With or Without You
by ScorchedButterfly
Summary: I really loved Last Tango in Halifax, but I wish it had ended differently for Caroline and Kate, so I wanted to give them another chance! This story is set after the end of Series 2. I will continue to update when I can - please feel free to read and review.
1. Chapter 1

Kate opened her eyes groggily against the darkness and groaned at the now familiar feeling that had awoken her.

"This is all your fault," she whispered, adjusting her nightshirt over her baby bump, "using my bladder as a trampoline."

The languages teacher lay still for a moment, torn between the warm bed and the need to use the bathroom. Forcing herself awake, she stretched sleepily and marvelled yet again at how lucky she was. A few weeks ago she would never have let herself imagine lying in Caroline's bed, wrapped in expensive cotton sheets and planning the arrival of their daughter. Now that she was here, even having to pee every five minutes seemed like a small price to pay.

Eventually the brunette could not fight getting up any longer. Taking a deep breath, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and reached for the bedside lamp. Warm light filled the room and she rubbed her eyes against the sudden glow.

Glancing over to check on Caroline, Kate realised with a jolt that the bed was empty. A nagging doubt crept into her mind, and bubbling up beneath her happiness was the unshakeable feeling that Caroline was keeping her at a distance; was hiding something from her. All thoughts of the bathroom forgotten, Kate rose from the bed in search of her partner.

XXXXX

As she padded barefoot down luxurious stairs, Kate quietly marvelled at Caroline's house. Although undeniably impressive, it remained slightly impersonal, perfectly reflecting its gorgeous owner. The brunette fleetingly missed her homely little cottage.

Reaching the hallway, she headed towards a strip of light emanating from under the kitchen door, pushing it open and pausing at the entrance.

Caroline was curled up in an armchair facing the large patio doors, legs drawn up under her body, and a coffee cup cradled in her hands. She was staring into the inky blackness outside, as though she could see the beautiful garden hidden behind it.

Taking advantage of a rare chance to admire her partner unobserved, Kate found herself captivated by the woman before her. Caroline's blonde hair stood up all over the place, her smart make-up had been removed, and she wore nothing but an oversized button-up blue shirt.

Kate loved Caroline when she looked like this, her powerful public persona stripped away, leaving a woman so different to the one everybody else saw. Kate felt so privileged to see this Caroline, _her _Caroline_,_ that she realised she had been staring for what could be considered a slightly indecent amount of time.

With this in mind, the brunette cleared her throat and stepped into the room. Caroline jumped, eyes flicking towards her in surprise.

For a second, the sadness in the blonde's expression washed over Kate, before it snapped shut behind a tight smile that made her stomach drop; her girlfriend was definitely hiding something behind the mask she normally reserved for everyone else.

Unsure how to proceed, the younger woman nervously bit her lip as Caroline's blue eyes searched her face, noting the concerned frown with a pang of guilt, before running appreciatively down her partner's body. She came to a stop at bare feet, which were placed almost childishly one over the other as protection from the cold tiles.

The corners of Caroline's mouth twitched upwards into a small smile, finding the sight hugely endearing in spite of her mood.

Kate glanced down, following the blonde's gaze. "What?" she asked, suddenly apprehensive.

Caroline shrugged, "You look lovely," came the disarmingly simple reply.

Kate rolled her eyes, "Caroline, I feel like a whale!"

The headmistress stood, eyes glued to the woman before her, "Well you look -".

"Beached?" the brunette asked, stretching her arms wide to display her bump.

A genuine smile broke across Caroline's tired face. The transformation was amazing.

"Perfect," she finished quietly.

Kate blushed and Caroline felt her heart swell at the sight. She stepped towards her girlfriend, putting a hand against her warm cheek and pulling her in for a kiss.

Smiling against soft lips Kate opened her mouth in response to a swipe from Caroline's tongue, feeling the blonde hum in appreciation.

Part of her wanted to stay in the blonde's arms forever, but as the kiss began to escalate Kate pulled away, taking a step backwards and sinking into an armchair with an apologetic smile.

She gestured for Caroline do the same and her girlfriend followed suit, stretching out a hand towards her, "What are you doing up at this time?"

Kate gave the offered palm an affectionate squeeze, "I could ask you the same question."

Her chocolatey eyes were so apprehensive that Caroline's heart ached. She felt a rush of self-loathing at the lie she already knew she would tell, because she was too much of a coward to risk Kate's expression of gentle concern crumpling into something much worse.

"I just couldn't sleep."

She waved her hand dismissively but the lie rang hollow, even to her own ears.

Kate's raised eyebrow spoke volumes, and Caroline felt slightly unnerved at how easily the other woman could read her.

"It's nothing to do with us is it?"

It was the question Caroline had been dreading, and she studied the contents of her coffee mug in an attempt to avoid piercing brown eyes, "Of course not. I don't know what's wrong with me really."

Kate took a small breath to force down her nerves, "Look Caroline, if you aren't happy we really need to talk about it, because there will be a baby here soon and that situation wouldn't be fair on anyone - especially her."

The truth of the words chipped at Caroline's heart, but she forced herself to reassuringly squeeze her girlfriend's hand, "Honestly Kate, it's nothing for you to worry about."

For a few seconds, silence hung between them, and maybe it was because she was tired, or maybe it was because she simply couldn't hold it all in anymore, but Caroline found herself continuing, "What if I don't know how to just _be_ happy after all these years?"

The words were so heavy that the headmistress felt physically deflated by the weight of them. A tiny part of the truth had tumbled out and she was worried it was all too much; that Kate would see she was broken and would not want to be lumbered with an emotionally repressed, uptight control freak.

Finding the courage to look up, Caroline sighed at the small frown marring Kate's perfect skin, "I just have something nagging at me. I'm not even sure what it is, but it really is nothing for you to worry about."

Smiling sadly, Kate leaned forward to place a chaste kiss against her girlfriend's lips, "You are as capable of happiness as anyone, Caroline. I've seen it with my own eyes."

The blonde looked up, surprised at the conviction in her tone. She felt the sudden urge to cry.

Kate watched as emotions flickered across Caroline's face. Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself upright and tried one last time to break through, "I know that something's wrong. We're partners and I wish you would just talk to me. I'm not made of china and I won't break if you tell me things."

With that, the brunette stood.

For an awful moment Caroline thought that she was about to walk away.

Instead, the younger woman held out her hand, "Want to dance?" she asked, a deadly serious look on her face.

Caroline laughed in spite of herself, "Kate, its three o'clock in the morning."

"I know that Caroline, but you won't talk to me, so I might as well distract you instead."

Suddenly the headmistress was taken back to the night a few weeks ago, when she had been looking up at Kate like this. The lovely brunette holding out her hand; offering forgiveness - complete happiness - if only she had the guts, finally, to reach out in front of everyone she knew and simply dance with the woman she loved.

She had reached out then, as she was doing now _(in her kitchen, in the middle of the night!),_ and had felt more content than she had in years. Caroline prayed it would work the same magic this time.

XXXXX

Pulling the older woman to her feet, Kate led them to the middle of the room. She hugged Caroline close and began to gently sway and turn.

A small smile tugged at the headmistress' lips as she realised how ridiculous they must look, both in nothing but nightshirts, waltzing in a silent kitchen. She closed her eyes and gently rested her forehead against Kate's.

Relaxing into the feeling of warm hands on her waist, Caroline linked her arms behind her partner's neck and stroked soft circles against her skin. It felt wonderful, the smell of Kate's body lotion soothing away her fears as they swayed.

Caroline pulled the taller woman towards her and lifted her head imperceptibly. The brunette's mouth dipped down in response, lips meeting Caroline's in the darkness.

The kiss was soft at first, but became slowly more pressing as hands slid down Kate's body to rest possessively over her backside. Caroline deepened the kiss and sighed happily as the swell of Kate's stomach and chest pressed flush against her.

She grudgingly acknowledged that her girlfriend's plan was ingenious. She was more aroused than she would willingly admit, and as she tugged gently at Kate's bottom lip with her teeth, the small moan of approval that escaped her partner sent a jolt of desire straight to Caroline's core.

Needing more contact, she lifted the younger woman's shirt to gain access to her bare back, only stilling her movements when Kate drew her mouth away.

The blonde's eyes snapped open in frustration and Kate breathed out a small laugh at the outraged look on her face. Slowly, she began trailing kisses along Caroline's jawline, enjoying the small gasp that escaped the other woman as her eyes fluttered closed.

"I would love to continue this," Kate whispered in a tone that made Caroline's insides clench, "but I have honestly never needed to pee so much in my entire life."

The headmistress let out a disbelieving laugh as her girlfriend stepped back, grinning sheepishly in the moonlight.

"Are you really not going to finish what you started, Miss McKenzie?" she asked, raising an eyebrow incredulously.

"Sorry," smiled Kate, "but at least you've got something to distract you while you're down here moping." She tucked a lock of tousled hair behind Caroline's ear, "You really can talk to me, you know?"

The words pulled Caroline back to reality, tears once again pricking the back of her eyes. She nodded mutely, her gut twisting at her inadequate response.

And then the woman she loved was walking away, glancing over her shoulder as she reached the doorway, "Oh, and Caroline – don't be too long, I would quite like to finish what we just started."

The headmistress nodded and watched her gorgeous partner leave, taking her warmth and comfort with her.

Caroline sighed, longing to put her nagging doubts to rest and follow the captivating brunette upstairs.

Instead she found herself turning away to stare out into the darkness once more.

XXXXX


	2. Chapter 2

The realisation that she had sat unmoving in the same chair, staring out into the inky blackness all night, came to Caroline gradually. She began to notice objects coming into focus out of the gloom of her garden, as the darkness receded with the dawn. Finally, she stretched as if physically shaking off her thoughts and took a sip of cold tea to rouse herself.

Her mobile phone twirled absently in her hands, and before she had properly registered what she was doing, the blonde had punched the call button, needing to speak to the only other person who could fuck up life as spectacularly as she could.

The phone rang for so long that Caroline was about to hang up, when suddenly the ringing was replaced with rustling, as someone fumbled with the handset at the other end of the line.

"Hello?"

"Gillian? It's Caroline."

"Yeah, I know," came the slightly flustered reply, "Is something wrong? With my dad I mean? Only it's 5am and no one ever calls this early unless it's bad news."

"No, no nothing like that. God, I didn't even think about that! Sorry." There was an awkward pause as Caroline ran a hand through her tousled hair and wondered why the Hell she had made this call in the first place, "I didn't wake you did I?"

"Caroline, I live with two teenagers, a baby, and 200 sheep," the farmer pointed out, "It's never the bloody phone that wakes me."

"Sorry," the blonde repeated, searching desperately for something else to say, "It's not a bad time though is what I meant?"

"Well, I'm knee deep in sheep crap with a rectal thermometer in one hand and a pregnant ewe in the other…"

"Shit, I'm sorry." _My God,_ thought Caroline,_ stop saying that you stupid woman!_ "I'll call back later."

Something in the blonde's tone made Gillian relent, "Don't be a prat, I was joking!... Well, not about all the crap, but about the rectal thermometer anyway. What's up, Vincent?"

Smiling at the inside joke Caroline marvelled at how this woman, so different from her in every way, was fast becoming one of her best (and frankly, only) friends.

"This is weird isn't it?" she asked, "…I mean us - our relationship."

"Oh God!" Gillian groaned, "Don't tell me _we're_ in a relationship now! I didn't think either of our love lives could get any more complicated."

Caroline laughed, "Oh, thanks for that mental image!"

"Oi! I'll have you know I'm quite the catch!"

"Hmmm. Just ask my husband." The words tumbled from Caroline's mouth before she could stop herself.

Gillian winced, "Ooof! Yeah, about that -"

An image of the brunette stood awkwardly in a freezing field, looking sheepishly at the ground, sprang into Caroline's mind and she instantly regretted her joke.

"Don't worry about John for Christ's sake - it's not as if _I_ want him," she waved her hand dismissively to the empty kitchen. "So, you were saying - quite the catch?"

There was a relieved sigh, "Yep. Own my own business and everything."

"Mmmm," Caroline grinned, "Although generally grandmothers aren't my thing."

Gillian let out a shout of laughter, "That seems a bit harsh, since I'm willing to overlook the fact that _women _aren't _my _thing!"

The blonde smiled and rolled her eyes, "What I mean is; it's weird how we end up telling each other everything."

She pictured Gillian's shrug in response, "I dunno. We're like family, just without all the crap that builds up over the years - probably be twins if things had worked out differently. And God knows we've been through enough shit together."

The headmistress nodded, "That's very deep for five in the morning."

She could hear the smirk in Gillian's voice, "Or it could just be that whenever we're together we get shitfaced."

Caroline threw her head back and laughed.

"So," her friend continued, "are you going to spill or am I going to have to stand around in a freezing barn all day?"

Her smile faded, "It's me and Kate. I've fucked it up again."

Gillian lowered her bucket of animal feed and shifted the phone into a more comfortable position, "Hang on," she said, "something tells me I'm going to have to sit down for this."

Caroline heard the farmer trudging through the mud and a mumbled "_Shit!_" as she clambered her way to a seat.

Looking around her lovely kitchen, lit faintly orange by the rising sun, Caroline felt a rush of gratitude for her pristine house and warm mug of tea. She suddenly appreciated for the first time how hard the other woman worked; dragging herself out of bed at dawn to manage an entire farm, a baby, two teenagers, and a part time job single handed.

Thirty miles away, in a barn full of sheep, Gillian shook her hair from her face, pulled off a pair of thick gloves, and flopped down heavily onto a bale of hay.

Leaning against a fence, she stretched her wellied feet in front of her, "Okay, shoot."

The blonde shifted in her seat, suddenly distinctly uncomfortable with sharing her problems - even when the other person really had no moral high ground from which to be looking down on anybody.

Sending out silent thanks that she was not doing this face to face, Caroline began, "The other night, Kate and I were in bed -"

Gillian snorted, "Spare me the details. I'm bound to get jealous otherwise."

"Haha. Anyway..." The headmistress faltered, unsure of what to say. She was saved when the awkward silence was broken by a piercing wail from the other end of the line.

Gillian pulled a baby monitor from her pocket and fumbled to remove the batteries. Failing, she shoved it under her coat to stifle the noise, "Shit! Calamity's up, I've gotta go. But I'll tell you what, Raff is taking the baby to Ellie's parents' tonight – come over and have some wine."

Caroline raised an eyebrow, "Didn't see you as the girls' night in, pillow fights and hair braiding sort."

Gillian smirked, "You either, you sarky cow! But since I don't like drinking alone, and you need a mate to tell you why you're being a prat, we might as well make a night of it."

The phone went dead and Caroline rolled her eyes. Gillian was just about the most infuriating person she knew, but when it came to having screwed up yet again, nobody understood better. And if the woman was willing to supply copious amounts of alcohol as well as advice, then so much the better.

XXXXX

By the time Caroline ended her phone call and entered the bedroom it was bathed invitingly in the morning sunlight. Not that the blonde noticed, her interest being immediately captivated by the gorgeous woman occupying her bed.

She felt a familiar rush of overwhelming love, followed by the pang of guilt that now routinely followed when she thought about Kate. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering how the Hell she was going to get out of this one.

A sigh from the bed made her look up, and the blonde smiled in spite of herself as she took in the sight before her.

Even when she had been in denial about the depth of her feelings, Caroline had always acknowledged that Kate was lovely. She had spent many of her working hours discreetly admiring the brunette, finding her professional attire particularly distracting. Caroline's breath still hitched at the way a simple button-up blouse accentuated the younger woman's figure.

As she watched her partner sleep, noting her caramel skin, the pulse beating evenly at her collar and the rise and fall of her chest, Caroline's heart broke slightly at the thought that someone so wonderful actually put up with her.

Having spent so many years hiding her feelings - throwing herself into being a wife, mother and career woman - it still surprised the blonde that she was finally able to indulge in desires she had thought were buried forever.

_Until the inevitable happens and I screw it all up again._

Kate shifted position in her sleep, jolting Caroline back to the present. She crossed the room and slipped into bed, propping herself up with one hand to admire her girlfriend.

She suddenly felt the ridiculous urge to cry, but forced it back down, seeking comfort in the woman she was both terrified to lose and scared to keep.

Tucking a stray wisp of hair behind Kate's ear, the headmistress curled herself snugly around the younger woman's frame. She absently traced a hand over Kate's ribs, and against all odds began to doze, soothed by the warmth of the bed and scent of vanilla body lotion.

As her fingertips grazed the side of a breast Kate's body pushed back into her, pulling Caroline from the brink of sleep. The brunette's backside now pressed firmly against her core, and her shoulders connected deliciously with the blonde's chest.

"…Caroline?" murmured a voice heavy with drowsiness.

Blue eyes widened at the note of sleepy desire running through her name, "Yes?"

Firm hands suddenly covered Caroline's, stopping the blonde's explorations in their tracks, "You have two options; either take your hands off me right now and let me go back to sleep, or touch me properly - because I love you, but if you tease me any more I might have to kill you."

Caroline chuckled softly, the sadness that had been radiating from her quickly replaced by a much more appealing emotion. She placed a kiss against her partner's neck and felt Kate's pulse quicken in response.

An approving murmur escaped the brunette as Caroline bit down gently on her pulse point, and the headmistress smiled against perfumed skin.

Drawing back to appreciate the mark left by her handiwork, she slowly tuned Kate towards her, quirking an eyebrow as mischievous blue eyes found sleepy brown ones, "That is by far the easiest decision I have ever had to make, Miss McKenzie," she whispered, capturing her girlfriend in a soft kiss.

XXXXX

_Author's Note: Thank you all for reading and reviewing - I really appreciate it! I wanted to keep this story 'T' rated, but I am writing an 'M' rated section that continues this chapter. I hope to upload it as a separate one-shot shortly. Please feel free to read it, but don't worry - if you decide to just stick to the main story, you won't miss any plot x_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Thank you all for reading and reviewing - I really appreciate it! I wanted to keep this story 'T' rated, but I have separately published an 'M' rated section that takes place after Chapter 2. It has been uploaded as a separate one-shot story. Please feel free to read it, but don't worry - if you decide to just stick to the main story, you won't miss any plot x_

XXXXX

A sharp rap at the door almost caused Gillian to overbalance as she pulled on a clean pair of jeans. She glanced irritably at the clock on her bedside table. _It's five to sodding seven! _

"Just a second," she called out, shaking her head and huffing hair out of her face; _Trust bloody Caroline to be early._

Down on the porch the headmistress rolled her eyes and stamped her feet impatiently against the cold. _It's five to sodding seven!_ She shifted a bottle of red into the crook of her elbow and breathed some warmth into her cupped hands;_ Trust bloody Gillian to be late._

After a few seconds Caroline heard footsteps running down the stairs, followed by the sound of someone fumbling with the lock. Finally, the door swung open and a slightly breathless Gillian stood before her.

"Sorry for taking so long," the brunette apologised, smiling in appreciation as she took the offered bottle of wine, "Cheers. Come in."

"Thanks," the blonde replied, glancing approvingly at the roaring fire, "It's bloody freezing out there."

Gillian held her chapped hands out for inspection, "Try it at five in the morning," she grinned, heading to the grate and putting the bottle next to the fire to warm.

"This will help," she continued, grabbing two tumblers and pouring a healthy splash of amber liquid into each. She turned to Caroline, handing her a glass with a smile.

"Thanks," said the blonde, accepting the drink. "You have no idea how much I need this."

Gillian nodded, "Yeah, you do look…"

"Like shit?" offered the headmistress, eyebrow raised.

Gillian shrugged, "I was gonna say 'tired', but basically, yeah."

Caroline let out a small shout of laughter, "Oh, cheers!"

The farmer grinned and sank onto the sofa, gesturing for her friend to take a seat. "So, how have you managed to fuck everything up already?"

Caroline's smile instantly faded. She drained her glass in one long swallow before sitting down and holding it out for the other woman to re-fill, "We're going to need a lot more to drink first."

The brunette raised her eyebrows in response, but followed suit and drained her own glass, "Good, because I'm shit at advice, but you've definitely come to the right place if you want to get pissed."

XXXXX

Two empty wine bottles stood side by side at the edge of the coffee table. Next to them rested two pairs of feet, one set covered in thick knitted socks and the other in black silk stockings.

Caroline and Gillian were slumped on the sofa, glasses in hands and legs stretched out, both looking decidedly worse for wear.

They had consumed copious amounts of red wine; each glass followed by a brandy chaser, and had discussed everything from their parents to their previous drunken escapades.

Both women had cried with laughter as they reminisced about downing complimentary champagne at a fancy hotel, before realising that it had only been provided because the staff had assumed they were planning their wedding.

Even months afterwards they still found their accidental masquerade as an engaged lesbian couple hysterical.

"You know?" the brunette hiccuped, pointing a finger accusingly at the woman next to her, "I_ have_ dated worse for less than free champagne."

Caroline's indignant gasp in response lost some of its impact when she inhaled a mouthful of brandy, setting off an undignified coughing fit. Unconcerned, Gillian burst out laughing again.

Finally pulling themselves together, they now sat watching the fire in companionable silence. Only one topic of conversation remained outstanding, and Gillian knew that if she wanted answers, she was going to have to come right out and ask.

Taking a swig of brandy for Dutch courage, she threw the blonde a sideways look, "So, are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Kate, or are we going to need another round of drinks first?"

Caroline pulled a face and woozily shook her head, "Oh God, no more alcohol! I didn't even drink this much as a teenager."

Gillian gave a hollow laugh, "That's because teenagers don't need to bloody drink! They act like everything's crap, but the lucky sods don't know they're born!"

Caroline hummed in agreement before letting out a small sigh. She didn't know where to begin, but her head was comfortably fuzzy and she wanted to get this over with while they were both a bit pissed.

"You know how children change everything?" she started, catching Gillian's sleepy nod out of the corner of her eye, "This little person arrives and they suddenly become the centre of the whole world."

The headmistress stopped abruptly, looking guilty, "I mean, of course _you _know that. Christ, look at what you put up with to protect Raff," she gestured to the house around them with her hand.

Silence fell as they both remembered the last time they had lain slumped like this after too much to drink. The evening had been so similar, before the camaraderie had shattered and the horrors of Gillian's married life had tumbled out.

Knowing that neither of them wanted to go down that particular road again, Caroline pressed on, "Well, what if I don't feel like that with Kate's baby? With the boys, they were always completely a part of me. I mean, they were John's too of course, but even that felt sort of secondary. They were _mine_."

Caroline paused to check that her companion was still awake.

Gillian looked up from the embers of the fire, eyebrows raised, "I'm listening."

The blonde took a deep breath, "I keep thinking about this baby as _Kate's _rather than _ours_. It hit me when we were sat in bed the other day; Kate had parenting books everywhere and she was so excited. She kept talking about baby names, whether or not to bottle feed, what colour to paint the nursery – all these normal things. But I just felt so…disconnected from it all."

She took a swig of wine and sighed, "I still remember the three month colic, the sleepless nights and the terrible twos. I'm forty-bloody-five years old and I'm exhausted at the thought of doing it all again!"

A wave of embarrassment surged through Caroline, making her feel slightly sick, "Worse, I'm jealous. Kate is going to have all these different priorities, whereas before our relationship was so important to her."

The headmistress paused, hoping she didn't sound quite as narcissistic as she suspected she did, "And if I tell her any of this, I really think she might leave me."

The finality of the words echoed across the quiet room.

The blonde blinked back angry tears, "I'm just…emotionally stunted…and I don't need to give Kate further proof of that, so I keep waiting to feel like the baby is mine too, but I just_ don't!"_ she admitted, guilt washing over her.

Gillian let out a slow breath, "Shit," she murmured, searching for something reassuring to say, "You know, you make me feel better about my life? Before we met, I didn't think other people could fuck everything up as spectacularly I can."

Caroline gave a sad laugh, "Yes, well, glad to help." She quickly wiped her eyes, "Definitely could have been twins."

"Hmmm," Gillian agreed, "and what a bloody nightmare that would have been…"

The brunette's head was swimming with the effects of the alcohol, but she pulled herself upright to properly focus on her friend, who remained slumped against the cushions, nursing her wine.

Taking in the dejected look on the blonde's face she squeezed her arm reassuringly, "Caroline, I've been around enough self-centred blokes to know that they're always jealous of a new baby. You just haven't _been_ the 'bloke' before."

The other woman rolled her eyes, "Oh great! Now I get to be 'John' to Kate's baby? It gets better and better."

Gillian snorted, "No offence, but you have too much of a stick up your arse to ever be the 'laid back dad' type."

The headmistress let out a shout of laughter, "Oh, 'no offence'? Good job you said that, or I might think you were being a cow!"

Gillian grinned, "Anyway, does Kate even want you to _be_ this kid's mother? She was gonna raise it on her own until a few weeks ago."

The blonde waved her glass in exasperation, "She keeps talking about 'our baby'. This whole pregnancy thing was never ideal, but I would take Kate and a baby over losing Kate every time. The problem is; I was so sure I _had_ lost her, and then we got back together, and suddenly I've gone from nothing to becoming a mother again in 8 weeks' time."

Gillian looked at her incredulously, "So you begged a pregnant woman to come back to you, to share your mortgage and shag you, but you never thought about what would happen after her kid was born?"

Caroline shot her a withering look, "I was prepared to help her. I'm not a complete bitch!"

Gillian let out a low whistle, "Yeah, but how did you _think_ this was gonna go?"

Battling her drunken haze, Caroline searched for an appropriate response. She felt slightly humiliated when nothing came to mind.

Luckily, Gillian wasn't waiting for an answer, "You know, this will probably all go away once the kid's born. I mean, I love Calamity. God knows I didn't want Raff and Ellie to have her. I thought it would mess up their lives and be a sodding nightmare for me – I didn't want to be running around after a kid again."

Caroline nodded. She definitely sympathised with not wanting to do all the baby stuff again at their age.

"But after she was born, it didn't matter. Babies are always bloody hard work, but you wouldn't take them back once they're here."

Caroline's ears were ringing and her head felt fuzzy, "She's your flesh and blood though – your granddaughter," she gently poked Gillian's arm to punctuate her point, "and you're practically raising her."

The brunette rolled her eyes, "And you won't be raising Kate's baby? Snooty headmistress or not, you're gonna have to get your hands dirty, Caroline. Once there's a baby in the house, you're gonna know about it."

Gillian swayed to the side as she spoke, ending up with her head resting beside the taller woman's shoulder, "I love Calamity, but she's not my kid. It will be the same for you; once Kate's baby is here, that other shit won't matter."

Caroline didn't know if it was the huge amount of alcohol she had consumed, or Gillian's surprisingly sound advice, but she felt a little reassured for the first time in weeks, "I hope so," she murmured.

"Trust me!" Gillian slurred slightly, sitting up to refill the drinks, and sploshing red wine on Caroline in the process. "Shit!" she muttered, rubbing ineffectually at the mark. "Apparently you should pour white wine on that…" The brunette looked around helplessly, as if a bottle might spring into life before them, "…but I think we've already drunk all the wine ever made."

Caroline laughed in spite of herself, "It's an old outfit. Besides, I couldn't give a shit about my wardrobe at the moment..."

Gillian looked relieved and continued before the uptight blonde could think better of it, "Look, you're in love with Kate?"

Caroline shifted uncomfortably, "You know the answer to that."

Gillian watched her, eyes slightly unfocused, but wearing a no-nonsense expression that showed she was not going to let the subject drop.

The headmistress rolled her eyes, "Yes, I love her."

Gillian snorted at the blonde's exasperation, "Caroline, you were miserable the last time you and Kate broke up! It was so obvious you two were head-over-heels that even your mother had to get over it. So stop worrying!"

Caroline grimaced, "What if the baby is like Greg? I've never met a person I wanted to punch in the face more. And I was married to John for 20 years, so that's saying something."

It occurred to Caroline that she was being petulant and she put this largely down to her hatred of Greg as a person, but mixed with a healthy dose of alcohol, and some straight forward jealousy that he was the man who had impregnated her girlfriend.

"She won't be like him," Gillian dismissed, "Look at what a great lad Raff is, considering the father he got stuck with. And your boys with John – he's bloody useless. Besides, this bloke might be a pillock, but he won't have anything to do with the baby."

_We definitely need more wine, _she decided, leaning forward to grab the nearest bottle and emptying the dregs into their glasses.

"Caroline, I know you didn't want another kid, but shit happens. Besides, Kate's gonna push so much love onto the poor sod that it will probably need an 'emotionally stunted' adult in the house anyway."

Gillian mimed air quotes around 'emotionally stunted', sloshing a healthy amount of wine across the sofa in the process.

"We really know how to screw things up, don't we?" she continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that there was now more wine on her clothing than in her glass.

She drained the rest of her drink, wincing as a huge glug shot painfully down her throat and caused her to splutter loudly, eyes watering.

Caroline ignored the commotion on the other side of the sofa as she considered the situation. She just couldn't see a way out of this one. The simple truth was that having raised her kids, she did not want to embrace motherhood again at her age, and she was terrified that the love she felt for the boys would not extend to this new baby.

Caroline loved Kate, but embarrassingly, she had to admit that part of what she loved was how much Kate wanted her, how much she mattered to the lovely younger woman. Jealousy threatened to bubble over as she imagined no longer being the most important thing in her partner's life.

And underlying everything, two conflicting thoughts played over and over in Caroline's brain; firstly, that it was not fair to keep these doubts a secret, but secondly, that she could not risk Kate walking out of her life again. She swirled the last of her drink around her glass before slugging it back like a practised sailor.

Gillian watched emotions play over Caroline's face, and rather than acknowledge that her friend was fighting tears, she decided to try some tough love, "You know I said on the phone that you needed someone to tell you when you were being a prat?"

Caroline nodded, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth for the first time since the subject had turned to Kate.

Gillian looked at her earnestly, "Well – you're being a prat."

The headmistress laughed before sniffing loudly and wiping her eyes on her sleeves, "Thanks."

"Any time," grinned Gillian, "Now, where's that bloody brandy?"

XXXXX


	4. Chapter 4

Caroline slowly drifted out of fitful dreams and into consciousness. Before she had even opened her eyes, she knew that the situation was bad. Taking a deep breath in through her nose, she tried to assess how severe the hangover was. She cracked open an eye and immediately slammed it shut again as the brilliant morning sunlight stabbed at her retina.

Bile jumped up into her throat. _Hardly a good sign._

Forcing the cool and collected headmistress part of her psyche to take over, she began to run a mental catalogue of the damage:

Feet? _Digging uncomfortably into the arm of a tiny sofa. _

Legs? _Cramping from a night curled in the foetal position._

Back? _Aching, obviously._

Stomach? _Eugh! Okay, moving swiftly away from that thought. _

Throat? _Like sandpaper._

Head? _Pounding._

_A good night then, by all accounts._

The blonde continued to focus very hard on her breathing, concerned that any sudden movement may actually kill her. As she took stock of her physical aches and pains, she came across the now familiar knot in her stomach, recognising it instantly for what it was - the cold dread of telling Kate, sitting like a stone in her belly.

On one level, Caroline knew that Gillian was right; that she was hopelessly in love with Kate, that Kate would adore this child, and that maybe it could be enough for her to simply be there for them both, without loving the baby like a mother.

Yet the fact still remained that it was unfair to lie to her partner about how she was feeling (or not feeling) about the imminent arrival. In the cold light of day, Caroline knew she needed to have a conversation with the woman she loved, and that if the conversation went badly enough, then that woman might leave her.

_Although, this could all be academic, and I may have to spend the rest of my life clinging to this couch…_

A moan from the far side of the room caused Caroline to risk cracking an eye open again, although much more slowly than before. It felt dry and gritty, but as her vision swam into focus she made out a dishevelled figure, splayed horizontally across the other sofa.

"Gillian?" she whispered, voice raspy.

"Mmmm." A possible response.

"You okay?"

"…D'pends…"

Caroline yawned, "On what?"

"On whether this is the worst hangover in history or I've actually died and woken up in Hell."

Caroline snorted a laugh and grimaced at the wave of nausea that followed, "Well, if you're in Hell, I'm there too."

"…Figures..."

Caroline grinned, "Charming!" She took another deep breath, "Give me a minute for the room to stop spinning and I'll make us some coffee."

"Mmmm."

The blonde rubbed her eyes, "Did anyone ever tell you that you are quite the hostess in the mornings?"

Gillian mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Piss off!" into a cushion, and her friend smiled again as she gathered her energy for the mighty task of sitting.

XXXXX

It had taken a couple of hours, many bacon sandwiches, and even more painkillers before Caroline had felt well enough to attempt the drive home. But as she entered her beautiful kitchen to find Kate reading contentedly at the breakfast bar, she instantly regretted every second she had delayed the trip.

Stopping at the doorway, Caroline took a second to admire the way her partner's simple white blouse made her caramel skin glow invitingly. Taking in the small smile tugging at the brunette's lips, the headmistress felt simultaneously ready to burst with affection and burst into tears.

She watched for a few more seconds, heart aching over how at home the younger woman looked in her kitchen, before clearing her throat and stepping into the room.

"I'm back."

Kate's eyes left the page in surprise. She smiled warmly, before taking in her partner's slightly dishevelled appearance and raising her eyebrows knowingly, "Oh dear, heavy night?"

Caroline laughed and walked over to link her arms around the younger woman's waist, "If you think I look bad now, you should have seen me a few hours ago." She placed a gentle kiss against soft, dark curls.

"Poor you," Kate grinned, affectionately tucking a strand of Caroline's hair behind her ear, "And how is your favourite drinking buddy this morning?"

Caroline snorted, "Oh trust me, Gillian's even worse." She rested her forehead gently against the brunette's, "I missed you."

"It was only one night, Caroline!" Kate teased, although the headmistress thought she sounded secretly pleased.

Her suspicions were confirmed when the younger woman kissed her cheek with a quiet, "I missed you too."

Caroline savoured the warmth and closeness of her partner for a few more seconds before reluctantly pulling away. She sat down on the nearest barstool and took a deep breath, "Kate, we need to talk."

The younger woman nodded in agreement, "Yes, we do." She motioned to the book in her hands, "I've been researching baby names. What do you think of 'Flora'?"

"_Flora?! _Like the margarine?" Knocked slightly off kilter by the sudden change of subject, Caroline was less diplomatic than usual.

A pained expression fluttered over Kate's face, "No! Not like – well okay, a bit like the margarine, but also like flowers and things, you know?"

"Hmmm..." Caroline tried to sound more enthusiastic than she felt, "When John and I were expecting the boys -"

"Caroline!" Kate's tone was suddenly sharp, "I am _not _choosing a name that you and John considered!"

The blonde frowned, "Why? We had some lovely girls names picked out."

Kate fixed her with piercing eyes, "Look, you've done this all before and you love the boys. That's great; I love them too. But this is my first child – our first child together – and I don't want John any more involved than he has to be. This is about us."

Caroline rolled her eyes, "Well it certainly isn't about _John_! I was only saying that we liked the name -"

"Caroline! A name that you and John considered is not happening! I already put up with so much of _bloody _John! He mopes around here like he still owns the place, which incidentally, he doesn't."

The blonde opened her mouth to speak but Kate raised her hand to prevent it, "And before you say anything, I know it's good for the boys to have him around, but it's my home too now and he is always _here_! I share enough with your ex-husband; I am not sharing baby names with him as well."

Caroline relented, not wanting a discussion about John, of all people, to make things more complicated than they already were, "Fine. What about Penny? It's Penelope really, but -"

Kate wrinkled her nose, "It's a bit formal, isn't it?"

At that Caroline folded her arms defensively, her hangover back with a vengeance, "Well it's not a brand of margarine, but you can't have everything…" she closed her eyes against the pounding at her temples.

Kate snapped the book shut and sighed, frowning down at the table top. Caroline suddenly missed the happy and relaxed version of her girlfriend that she had been watching moments ago.

Reaching out, she looped her arms gently around the younger woman and kissed her cheek, "Kate, don't listen to me. This is your baby; you should choose whatever name makes you happy."

The brunette stiffened slightly and pulled away from the embrace, meeting Caroline's eyes with a serious gaze; "I thought she was _our_ baby?"


	5. Chapter 5

Having imagined this conversation so many times, Caroline could hardly believe it was finally happening.

Yet here they were; Kate's lovely face wearing an expression so apprehensive that the blonde's heart was already breaking.

Caroline reached out and entwined their fingers together, wincing as her girlfriend flinched in response, "Look, Kate, I want to be supportive because I know how important being a mother is to you, but more children was not what I had planned for the next stage of my life, and I am still processing all these changes."

Brown eyes hardened and Kate removed her hand from Caroline's, placing it protectively over her stomach, "Well, I'm sorry we're such an inconvenience."

The headmistress pushed up her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose, "You know that's not what I'm saying! I want you and the baby here with me, but I already have the boys and I'm just worried that -"

"My baby won't matter as much to you?" Kate finished flatly.

"Of course not!"

Caroline frowned; her head was pounding and this was all coming out wrong. She sighed, "I'm just trying to be honest."

Kate let out a hollow laugh, "That's very good of you Caroline, because I'm already terrified about becoming a mother at 42, but to have my partner say she might not care about my baby really lightens the load!"

Caroline's temper flared into life, "That is very clearly not what I said! I said I was struggling with the sudden reality of having a baby in my life again!"

She took a deep breath to regain her composure, "Until a few weeks ago I wasn't planning on having anything to do with children until I became a grandmother, sometime in the very distant future. But now I suddenly have you back, and I am so thrilled, but it means that I am about to be a sort-of-parent again. It's just happening so quickly."

At those words, something inside Kate snapped, "Quickly?! You were there on the day this baby was conceived, if you remember? Doing your best to ruin everything then as well!"

Tears sprung into the younger woman's eyes and stung the back of her nose. It hit her square in the chest that she should have seen this coming; she should have known that Caroline would find a way to hurt her again.

"You have known about my pregnancy for almost five months, Caroline. If you didn't want a baby in your life, you should _not_ have begged me to come back to you at your mother's wedding. I was finally getting my life in some sort of order when you…" Kate's voice broke and a tear tracked its way traitorously down her cheek, "…made me want you all over again!"

The blonde clasped her hands together, fighting the urge to wipe away the solitary tear, "I asked you to come back to me because I wanted you then, and I still want you now!" she argued, "But it was not me that wanted a baby, Kate."

At this, her girlfriend stood up with a determined look, "I should leave."

"No!" Caroline panicked, grabbing the brunette's arm as she pushed past her, "We need to talk about this."

Kate whirled around to face her, "You want to talk? Fine, we'll talk. Let's talk about how I'm angrier with you right now than I have ever been with anyone in my entire life!"

She threw her arms up in exasperation, "You are quite possibly the most selfish person I have ever met! You are cold and distant, and I know that I should just get away, because I'm in far too deep not to get hurt. But then you look at me like a wounded puppy and I want you so badly that I fall for it all over again!"

Another tear rolled down her cheek and Kate wiped at it angrily, "I keep letting you in Caroline, and I keep getting hurt." She placed a hand over her stomach, "and I can't let that happen once the baby is here, so I think I should just leave."

Blind panic rose inside Caroline as the younger woman strode across the room and grabbed her bag.

"Where will you go?"

Kate shrugged and turned away, "My dad's place is empty. I'll stay there for a bit."

Caroline watched her with desperate blue eyes, "I don't want you to leave."

Kate sighed, "It isn't your choice, Caroline. I won't stay where my child isn't wanted."

The headmistress reached out at took Kate's hand to stop her from moving, "If the choice is being with you and the baby, or losing you, then I chose both of you every time."

The brunette gently pulled away from her grasp, "Everyone knows I'm head over heels about you, much good it does me most of the time, but I can't be with someone who thinks of my baby as the downside of a package deal."

"That isn't what I'm saying!" The blonde exclaimed, pointedly ignoring that the words rang inside her head with something uncomfortably close to the truth.

Anger flashed across Kate's normally gentle features, "Really? Because that's _exactly _what it sounds like."

Quieted by her girlfriend's look of disdain, Caroline dropped her gaze. It would appear to most people that the cool and collected headmistress was the stronger of the two women, but Caroline knew this was not the case.

Kate was always more sure of herself, and found it so simple to stand up and fight for what she wanted; whether that was a baby, or Caroline, or simply for people to accept her for who she was.

The blonde had long ago acknowledged that she was terrified of many things that Kate just dealt with. But if there was a chance that opening up to the lovely brunette would stop her from walking away, then she was willing to face her fears as well.

Striding across the kitchen to block the doorway, Caroline placed her hands on her hips, "Kate, before you leave, just remember that I changed my whole life for you."

Her girlfriend opened her mouth to speak, but Caroline raised a hand to prevent the interruption, "I came out to my family for you. I risked everything I cared about, because it was more important to finally be myself -" a tell-tale crack in her voice threatened Caroline's composure, "to be with you."

Kate watched the older woman carefully, taking in the pain and fear barely concealed under bravado.

She felt her insides twist with traitorous longing at how beautiful the headmistress was despite her disarray. It always tugged at her heart when Caroline looked so lost; her instinct screaming at her to protect the woman everyone else assumed was invulnerable.

The pain of knowing that she could not fix this for her stabbed Kate like a knife in the chest, causing some of her anger to evaporate, an overwhelming emptiness taking its place.

She stood before Caroline looking so utterly betrayed that it nearly undid the blonde, making her long to go to the younger woman, to take it all back and tell her that everything would be alright.

Instead the headmistress stood helplessly in the doorway, watching her partner with pleading eyes, "I love you," she murmured.

It was all she had left to say.

Kate nodded, "I love you too," she admitted softly, "but I need someone who _wants_ this baby rather than tolerates her, and you are not that person, Caroline."

With that, Kate walked out of her girlfriend's perfect house, and away from her perfect life. She just about made it to the car before she fell apart.

Inside, Caroline stood slightly stunned, having watched the best thing to happen to her in years turn on her heel and leave.

The tears fell at last.


	6. Chapter 6

Kate deliberately called the school early to reduce the chances of Caroline having arrived, but as the phone rang, she still found herself praying it would not be the gorgeous blonde who answered.

"Good morning, St Andrew's, can I help you?"

Kate released the breath she did not realise she had been holding, "Hi Beverley, it's Kate – Miss McKenzie – I'm not feeling very well, so I won't be in today. Please could you arrange for someone to cover my classes?"

"Oh, you poor thing! Nothing too serious, I hope?"

Kate felt a sudden rush of affection for Caroline's secretary, knowing that concern for the baby was implicit in the question.

_At least someone cares about us_, she thought sadly.

"No, thank you, Beverley. I think I just have a 24 hour bug or something, but I don't want to pass it around the school."

"No, of course not. Bless you! Caroline hasn't caught it has she?"

Kate's stomach lurched at the mention of the blonde's name. Beverley's casual assumption that they would be together hit her like a physical slap.

"Kate?"

The concerned voice snapped her out of her daze, "No, no, Caroline's fine. I expect you'll see her later."

"Good. Well, feel better soon. Get some rest."

"Thanks. See you tomorrow."

Kate put the phone down and climbed back into bed. She would have to face the world sometime, but right now hiding under a duvet, just her and her daughter, seemed like the safest place to be.

XXXXX

Kate had always been one to face her problems head on, but even she was not ready to deal with Caroline so soon.

Having spent the morning snuggled under a blanket and waging an internal battle over her cowardice, the brunette reached a compromise with herself; she would leave the safety of her bed, but only to solve the problem of retrieving her belongings.

It was a plan with an added benefit, in that it delayed tackling her biggest issue - a certain infuriating blonde. Conveniently, Kate was choosing to ignore this.

Two hours later she found herself pulling up outside Caroline's impressive town house. She knew the residents would all be at St Andrews, so it was the perfect opportunity to grab some things.

As she began to traipse through the eerily quiet rooms, Kate found herself constantly suppressing a longing for the blonde, which was triggered by nearly every item in the familiar home.

A soft "Hello," as she entered the kitchen caused her to whirl around, dropping the few items she had gathered.

Her beloved CD collection hit the ground with an ominous crack, but what hurt more was the sudden realisation that she now found herself face to face with the person she had most been hoping to avoid.

Caroline was still in her pyjamas, complete with tousled bed-head that Kate absolutely refused to find adorable. She also stamped down the concern welling up inside her at the huge circles under the blonde's eyes.

"Jesus, Caroline! Didn't anyone ever tell you not to sneak up a pregnant woman?"

Caroline gave a tight smile, "Sorry. Although, technically I think you were the one sneaking around. Avoiding me?"

Without waiting for an answer, the headmistress held up the mug wrapped in her hands, "Tea?"

Kate's heart melted a little at the sadness radiating from Caroline and she mentally slapped herself.

_For God's sake! How do I keep letting her affect me like this?!_

"No, thank you," she replied, surprising even herself with the cold tone.

Caroline was trying to hold it together, but she felt her pathetic heart crack that bit further at her girlfriend's indifference, "Kate, please can we talk? What I said to you last night came out all wrong and I need to explain."

The brunette sighed, her shoulders slumping and her eyes dropping to the floor. She suddenly looked completely defeated, and for the first time Caroline felt a glimmer of hope that the younger woman was more emotionally invested in this than she was trying to make out.

"Please? I hate it when you're angry with me."

Kate threw her hands up in exasperation, "I'm not angry with you Caroline; I'm angry with _myself_! When I first told you that I wanted a baby, you made it abundantly clear that it wasn't something you wanted, but I was blinded by my own longing. And once you met Greg, I knew that you hated him straight away," she breathed out an ironic laugh, "You made it obvious enough."

"I didn't _hate _him," Caroline objected, but her sentence was cut short by a look of incredulous disbelief from across the room.

"Okay, maybe I disliked him quite a bit," she conceded.

Kate gave a curt nod, "But I wanted a baby so badly, and you knew that, and you said you would support me. I suppose I was naïve, but I just assumed that would mean us both taking a parental role."

She took a deep breath and straightened up, facing Caroline directly. The hurt she saw behind piercing blue eyes caused a surge of sadness within her.

"You were wrong to hide your concerns about this baby, but I was wrong too. I should never have assumed that it would instantly be something you wanted, just because I wanted it so badly."

Kate shrugged and stood looking so dejected that Caroline wanted to step forward and wrap her up in her arms. To absorb her hurt; but also, selfishly, to gain the comfort she always took from having the other woman near.

Instead, she carefully observed the beautiful brunette, trying to read her. To anyone else, Kate might seem composed; her hair was swept back off her face, which was still clear and bright despite being completely free of make-up, her gaze was level and her breathing even.

Yet Caroline knew Kate better than she knew herself, and she recognised the sadness in the slight hunch of her shoulders and the pain she was trying to conceal in her dark eyes.

No longer able to fight the urge to go to her, the headmistress began to close the distance. But as she got nearer, the younger woman fixed her with a look so apprehensive that her step faltered.

Instead Caroline reached out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind Kate's ear, afraid that more direct contact would make her pull away.

She smiled sadly, "You're very pretty," she murmured, recalling the words she had so often said to her partner.

Tears stung the back of the brunette's eyes, "And you are magnificent," she conceded. It was the response she always gave.

It was no less true now than it had ever been, but she still gently removed Caroline's hand from her face and stepped away, "But I don't think that it's enough anymore."


	7. Chapter 7

The slamming of the front door echoed through the quiet house and jolted Caroline out of her stupor.

Since Kate had left with her things, the blonde had been sitting on the sofa, staring into middle distance and vaguely pretending to wade through her mountain of paperwork.

Having tried unsuccessfully to read the same sentence at least ten times, she put the school newsletter to better use and quickly draped it over her glass of scotch.

With the drink now hidden from view, Caroline just had time to run a hand through her tangled hair before her son's friend Angus was shoved through the doorway, closely followed by Lawrence himself, who lurched forward to grab the smaller boy in a headlock.

Laughing, they stumbled into the room, school bags hitting the floor as they grappled for dominance and staggered into the furniture.

Lawrence did not spot his mother until he practically collided with her; having spun straight into the sofa, he suddenly found himself face to face with a pair of furious blue eyes.

The boys froze mid-tussle, mouths hanging open almost comically. Caroline had to bite back a smile at their surprise, vaguely impressed that she could inspire such trepidation even without killer heels and a power suit.

She raised an unimpressed eyebrow and they sprung apart to face her with matching guilty expressions.

The headmistress immediately recognised from their shocked faces that she must look awful – completely shattered and still wearing the smudged remnants of yesterday's make-up around her puffy eyes.

Swiftly deciding that offence was her best defence, Caroline rose to her feet and folded her arms, "Oh, please don't stop on my account, boys. When I decorated in here, I deliberately included the expensive furniture so that teenagers could body slam each other into it."

Without waiting for a response she herded them towards the kitchen, pointedly ignoring their concerned glances. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Lawrence nervously biting his lip.

Then, almost immediately, all traces of worry evaporated from his face. His walk became a swagger as his teenage side took over, seeking to minimise any potential embarrassment that could be caused by his mum having some sort of monumental breakdown in front of his mates.

Caroline sighed. She knew that Lawrence had been struggling recently, but as she watched him actively bury his concern, she found his indifference surprisingly painful.

_Although God knows how a 15 year old is supposed to comfort his emotionally repressed mother when her pregnant lesbian lover moves out…_

The poor boy had enough to deal with just pretending to be a remotely normal student at a school where his mother also happened to be the Head Teacher. And that was before she had started sleeping with his languages professor.

_Plus John's bloody affair didn't help. _

They would probably already be paying Lawrence's therapy bills until he was twenty – even without her recently imploding love life to add to his long list of issues.

Reaching the kitchen, Caroline set about making them all drinks; mainly to keep up the pretence that she was vaguely holding it together.

"How was school?" she asked, sliding a glass of squash across the counter towards Angus.

"It was fine, thank you," he replied, politely ignoring the fact that his normally composed headmistress had clearly had a _very _bad day.

She gave him a tight smile before raising an eyebrow at Lawrence.

Her son shrugged, 'It was school,' he mumbled, downing his drink in one long swallow and jerking his head towards his friend, 'Come on, let's go play football.'

He left the room without looking back and Angus followed suit, glancing anxiously over his shoulder at her as he went.

Caroline turned away from them and rolled her eyes. Obviously she could add the last five minutes to the million other things she did that mortified her youngest child.

_It's hard to believe that I actually found TWO different people who wanted to co-parent with me, _she thought sulkily.

XXXXX

Caroline finished the washing up. Not that she needed to do it by hand when there was a dishwasher next to her, but it allowed her to zone out and avoid the ominous stack of paperwork in the next room.

She glanced up at the clock as she dried her hands – 4pm.

_An almost acceptable time for wine..._

Just as she had finished pouring herself a large glass of red, her mother entered the room with a face like thunder and a football tucked under her arm.

"Hello love, I've confiscated this from Lawrence," she announced, putting it down on the counter between them with a long suffering sigh, "Those boys are atrocious footballers - something was about to get broken. I expect your fancy school has more important things than P.E. on the curriculum?"

Caroline greeted her mother with a peck on the cheek, "Hello. Lawrence's football skills are fine," she responded, not bothering to acknowledge the jibe and choosing instead to take a large swig of wine.

Celia looked disapprovingly at the glass and pursed her lips, "It's a bit early for drinking isn't it? Lawrence said you were in a funny mood, but it's only 4 o'clock, love."

Caroline shrugged, "I'm 45, mother – I don't need a lecture every time I have a glass of wine in my own house."

The older woman frowned, "Well, excuse me for having an opinion. You're snippy. Has something happened at work?"

Caroline sunk down into a nearby armchair, "I didn't go in today."

She took another mouthful of wine and closed her eyes.

Celia looked at her in surprise, "Why not? Are you ill?"

The genuine concern warmed Caroline - just a tiny bit.

She tilted her head back and sighed, "No, Kate and I broke up."

Caroline's gut twisted painfully at the memory. It was amazing how those five simple words could hurt so much.

"Oh, I'm sorry love…" Celia walked over to her daughter and rested a hand on her shoulder, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Caroline sighed, "Not really. We just want different things. Lawrence already hates me and I don't think I can raise another baby at my age."

Celia tutted, "Lawrence doesn't hate you. He's a cocky little bugger but he's just at that age where he doesn't like anybody, other than bloody John. Although goodness knows why he's quite so fond of him."

The older woman sat down opposite Caroline and reached out to pat her hand, "I know you liked Kate, but maybe this is for the best. You can start to put all this business behind you now."

Caroline's eyes snapped open, "Put it behind me? You mean shrug it off and go back to dating ridiculous men like John?!"

The blonde watched her mother's eyes widen in shock and felt an irrational urge to punch the outraged expression off her smug face.

Instead, she stood up and threw her hands wide in exasperation, "Let's get one thing straight; I did not _like_ Kate. I _loved_ her. Fancied her. Had sex with her. It was never about 'liking' anybody, and it's about time you got that into your bigoted head!"

She knew that she was upset and probably overreacting, but Caroline found it unbelievable that even now – when her mother had seen how happy Kate made her, and how much she was hurting – that Celia could still not comprehend her daughter being in love with another woman.

Celia watched her, completely aghast, "Bigoted?! Who on Earth do you think you are? I couldn't give a monkey's what anyone else does, but when it comes to my daughter…"

Caroline gave an ironic shout of laughter and marched into the middle of the room, "Oh save me the middle England bullshit, please! I'm really not in the mood!"

Mercifully, at that moment Alan appeared in the doorway, "Everything alright in here? Only the whole house can hear you two at it."

Concern was etched across his kind face as he took in the furious expressions of both his wife and her daughter.

Caroline jabbed a finger angrily at her mother, "Ask her!" She snarled before storming from the room and pulling the door behind her with a satisfying slam.

XXXXX

After stomping up the stairs in a way that reminded her uncomfortably of her youngest son, Caroline marched into her bedroom and slammed that door shut as well, just for good measure.

As she stood facing the empty room, with the silence ringing in her ears, the headmistress was hit squarely by the irony of being a 45 year old woman storming off to her bedroom in the house that she owned.

She pushed herself away from the door frame and began to furiously pace up and down as anger seethed through her. She only stopped when she had calmed down enough to notice that her phone was buzzing in her pocket.

Pulling it free, she found a text from Gillian flashing across the screen.

**_So how did it go?_**

Caroline threw the phone onto bed in disgust and flopped down beside it. After a few seconds she snatched it up again and tapped out an irritable response.

_Who said I even told her?!_

She threw the phone back down onto the pillow, but it buzzed again almost immediately.

**_Oh please. In the whole time I've known u, u have never once kept ur gob shut about anything._**

The headmistress snorted out a laugh and then squeezed her eyes shut as sudden tears pricked at the back of her lids. She sniffed angrily and continued typing.

_Well, since you ask, it all went to shit…_

_And I'm about to murder my mother, so you might need to protect your father from becoming collateral damage._

She waited for Gillian's reply, watching impatiently as the bubbles to indicate typing appeared and disappeared several times. When the message finally arrived, if Caroline was expecting words of advice (or even eloquence) then she was sadly mistaken.

A one word response flashed before her.

**_Shit._**

Caroline rolled her eyes, but as she stared at the single word filling the screen, she had to admit that it pretty much summed up the situation.

_Do you know any other words?! What sort of advice is that for someone who just fucked everything up?_

The phone buzzed in her hand.

**_Sorry... _**

**_My advice is go back in time & listen to me._**

_Helpful._

More bubbles appeared.

**_Well u r the only person who comes to me expecting actual advice._**

_I can see why._

**_U can always get pissed & pass out on my sofa again?_**

_Tempting._

**_...I can give more great advice that u can ignore._**

Caroline smiled weakly.

_Thanks, but I think I'm just going to go with putting my mother in a home and turning her annex into a spa._

**_Okay. Make sure u include a sauna._**

XXXXX

A knock on the bedroom door made Caroline jump. She looked up from her phone and sighed, "I'm not interested in talking to you, mother."

"No, mum, it's me."

Caroline's eyes widened in surprise, "William? Is something wrong?"

The door cracked open and her oldest son poked his head through the gap, "Lawrence said you were upset about something and that you fell out with gran?"

Caroline raised an eyebrow, "Lawrence shouldn't be prying."

Noticing his genuine concern, the blonde pulled herself upright on the bed, "I'm fine, William. I just need to be alone for a while."

William nodded wisely, "Okay, sure." He opened the door further and held out a mug, "I just thought you might like a cup of tea?"

In spite of her mood, the corners of Caroline's mouth twitch upwards into a small smile as as her eldest son walked towards her; her very own, slightly gangly, mop-haired guardian angel.

She wondered what she had ever done to deserve him.

"Thank you, William."

He put the mug down gently on the nightstand, "You're welcome."

Then he returned her smile with a reassuring one of his own, "And you can talk to me if you need to, you know?"

Reaching out, Caroline briefly squeezed his hand, 'I know.'

The blonde waited for her son to leave the room before she curled up in the foetal position. Her pillow smelled of Kate's shampoo, and Caroline breathed in the familiar scent with a pang of sadness as she closed her eyes and waited for the crappy day to finally end.


	8. Chapter 8

Kate made her way down a bland corridor, her heels clicking on the linoleum tiles. Dread filled her, turning her legs to lead as she forced herself towards her destination.

Finally she reached a nondescript wooden door, eyes flicking up to check the chart hanging next to it – _Joseph McKenzie_. Her stomach clenched at the words and she paused with her palm resting on the handle. Taking a deep breath, she pushed it open.

Inside was small room containing a bed with an NHS standard issue blanket, a shabby wardrobe, a muted TV playing Countryfile, and resting in an armchair staring blankly out of the window, a frail old man.

Kate drank in the sight of him, studying the way his papery dark skin contrasted against wispy white hair. A pang of longing hit her. She already missed her father and he was right there in front of her.

Her heart shattered into even smaller fragments; she hadn't thought it was possible.

Forcing a bright smile onto her face, the brunette stepped into the room, "Hello, Dad."

The small man turned to look at her, his whole face lighting up, "Hello, darling!"

Relief washed over her and she walked over to kiss him on the cheek, "Remember me?"

A look of annoyance flashed across his face, "Of course I do Ginika; we've been married 20 years!"

His daughter gave a resigned nod and sank into the chair opposite, swallowing hard against a wave of sadness.

She took one of his papery hands and ran her thumb over the back of it, "So, how are you?"

Joseph waved his free hand dismissively, "Fine, fine," he replied before leaning towards her conspiratorially, "They have this room bugged, you know."

Kate squeezed his palm reassuringly, "I don't think they do, Dad."

The old man angrily pulled his hand from her grasp, "And what would you know? Bloody women!" he muttered, folding his arms across his chest and shooting her a dirty look.

Kate watched him forlornly. He looked tired, confused and a little bit broken. She knew the feeling.

The mischievous brown eyes she remembered from her childhood were now looking back at her with distrust and the brunette realised this was not going to be one of her easier visits.

They watched each other wearily for a few seconds, until Kate felt compelled to break the silence, standing with a sigh, "How about I get us some tea?"

Her father turned to stare pointedly out of the window, ignoring the question.

Kate gave a curt nod, "I'll be right back," she promised, resting a hand gently on his shoulder as she passed him.

The old man shrugged away from the touch and his daughter was grateful that he was oblivious to the hurt his rejection caused her.

XXXXX

When Kate got to the hallway she allowed her composure to falter, heading off to the vending machine on shaky legs.

It was only as she got close that she saw the 'OUT OF ORDER' sign.

Because of _course_ it was out of order. Everything in her life was broken - why would a crappy vending machine be any different?

Kate placed her forehead against the cold plastic, wishing she was literally anywhere else in the world. Taking a deep breath she stepped away from the machine and banged her fist on the glass in frustration.

Immediately an alarm started wailing and Kate jumped back, glancing up and down the corridor helplessly and wondering whether she could just make a run for it.

Suddenly, a blonde nurse she vaguely recognised as 'Sally' came jogging round the corner, holding up a key and smiling apologetically.

"I'm sorry!" she panted as she came to a stop in front of her, "It's always doing that! I'll turn it off."

As the nurse fumbled with the mechanism a nearby door swung open and a tiny old lady with a purple-rinse poked her head out.

"What's all that bloody racket?" she squawked.

Kate blushed, "It's just the vending machine – don't worry its being fixed."

The old woman narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "And why should I trust you?"

She looked the brunette up and down with distaste, "You've got a fat arse and you let too many men in your bed!"

With that, she slammed the door, disappearing from view.

Kate turned helplessly to the nurse, who looked as though she was trying desperately to force her amused expression into something vaguely sympathetic.

Kate raised an eyebrow, "Well, that just about sums up the day I'm having!"

Finally failing to contain her mirth, the other woman burst into laughter.

The brunette rolled her eyes, but found herself smiling in spite of everything.

"Sorry about Ethel," the blonde offered as she turned the key and finally silenced the alarm, "She can be a handful. Yesterday she told me my hairstyle made me look like a hooker."

Kate grinned, "Well, I won't take it too personally then." She paused, craning her neck in an attempt to glimpse her own backside, "Although I am going to throw out these jeans…"

The nurse laughed again, "I really wouldn't worry about it; she just gets confused sometimes. And sorry about the vending machine – it's crap. Were you after tea? I can bring some to your father's room?"

Kate looked relieved, "That would be great, thank you. It's Sally, isn't it?"

The nurse nodded and the other woman let out a deep breath, "To be honest, I just needed a minute."

Sally hummed sympathetically, "It's tough, but if it helps, your father talks about you all the time."

Kate smiled sadly, "He doesn't even recognise me."

The blonde gave her arm a reassuring squeeze, "He still knows how much his daughter means to him. The important thing is that _you _remember who you are to each other," she smiled kindly. "I'll go and grab you both a tea."

Kate nodded gratefully, "Thanks," she replied, watching the other woman walk away and mentally steeling herself for the return to her father's room.

XXXXX

"I'm back, Dad."

The old man turned in his seat, his face breaking into a smile, "Hello, lovely girl!"

Joseph stood up on wobbly legs and stretched his arms out wide.

Gone was the suspicious man that Kate had been facing minutes before and, however briefly, her dad stood in his place. She quickly went to him, stepping straight into his embrace.

He hugged her tight and suddenly Kate was crying, huge tears rolling down her cheeks as she took comfort in the familiar smell of him.

Joseph pulled back to study her, his eyes creased with concern, "Now, what's the matter? Is that horrible Tommy Green picking on you again?"

Kate laughed as she took a seat, "Dad, Tommy Green hasn't bullied me since I was about seven!"

Her father nodded knowingly, "That's because I told the little sod I would kick his arse!" He looked at his daughter, "What's the matter?"

Kate quickly wiped her cheeks, "Nothing Dad, I'm just pleased to see you."

At that, her father chuckled, slowly shaking his head. The years melted away from him and for a bittersweet moment it felt as though everything might be alright.

"So," Joseph continued fixing her with a piercing gaze, "How's that lovely girlfriend of yours? Caroline, is it?"

Kate's eyes widened, the shock of the question hitting her like a punch to the gut and bursting the elated bubble she was floating in.

It was a good day when Joe McKenzie even recognised himself, let alone anyone else. And he never, _ever_, asked about Caroline.

Kate's smile froze in place; she honestly could not believe that her father had asked the question. Every week the thought of visiting her dad filled her with dread, but the one very small silver lining was the absolute certainty that she would not have to discuss Caroline.

An entire afternoon had passed without Kate even thinking about the troublesome blonde; which was practically a record because she was _always _thinking about Caroline.

Snapping back to the present, the brunette saw that Joseph was still looking at her, his eyebrows raised expectantly.

She rested her trembling hands in her lap and opened her mouth to say something. When no words came out, she simply patted her father's arm and turned to look out of the window, taking a few seconds to pull herself together.

When she looked back at Joseph, his eyes had closed. He looked more peaceful and less confused in his sleep, and she gently let go of his hand, taking a tissue from the windowsill and dabbing her watery eyes.

A swift knock at the door interrupted her thoughts and Sally entered carrying two plastic mugs of tea, "Here you go. Sorry it took a while!"

"Thank you," Kate smiled, accepting one cup and putting the other down in front of her father.

The nurse gave a brief smile and bustled out, the old man stirring at the interruption. His eyes opened and flicked around the room before coming to rest on his daughter.

"Still here then?'"

Kate watched him carefully as he picked up his cup with shaky hands and blew on the contents, "If that's okay?"

Joseph nodded, "Of course," he replied looking around the room, "Did you bring Richard?"

Kate fought the urge to roll her eyes at the mention of her ex-husband. It was exhausting trying to keep up with which version of herself she was playing in her father's head at any one time.

"Not today," she answered diplomatically.

She took a deep breath and placed a hand protectively over her tummy, "But I do have some good news, Dad. I'm going to have a baby."

Joseph's surprised smile caused the tiny fragments of Kate's heart to reassemble in her chest.

As far as she could see, the only advantage to her father's condition was being able tell him over and over again that she was going to be a mother. His sincere joy every time she told him was one of the things that kept her going.

Joseph McKenzie was the only other person on the planet who reacted with as much excitement to the news as Kate did; the only person who didn't judge, worry, or question.

"So, I'm going to be a grandfather?" He asked, looking so excited that Kate worried he might drop his tea. His eyes crinkled with happiness as he properly registered her bump for the first time, "I'm very pleased for you both, darling."

"Thanks Dad, but I'm not with Richard."

Joseph looked confused and Kate sighed, "I'm doing this alone, which I know is scary, but I am sure I will be fine."

Kate held her breath as she waited for his response. She had never considered telling her father this before. He spent so much time distressed and confused that it felt like an unfair burden to place upon him.

Her only excuse was that the unexpected mention of Caroline had thrown her - hitting her while her defences were down and making it harder to pretend that everything was okay.

From the chair opposite, Joseph watched her with a frown, "What a ridiculous thing to say," he murmured.

Kate sighed; her father had once again slipped away to be replaced by the distrustful old man that had greeted her when she first arrived.

Then, suddenly, he surprised her by leaning forwards to pin her with serious brown eyes, "Children are easy. You just love them."

Kate smiled. Just as he always had, Joseph McKenzie could still reassure her like nobody else.

"It's a lot of responsibility," she countered, praying that her father would understand the unspoken question...

_What if I can't do it?_

Joseph shook his head, "Always worrying. Just like all this panic about whether to study for your Masters."

Kate was briefly thrown off kilter by the casual jump back 20 years, but her father pointed his finger square at her chest and continued, "I said, 'Young lady, there is not a single thing you can't do, because you are good and bright and you work hard.'"

Kate beamed until her cheeks ached, and suddenly she was crying again (_because_ _for goodness sake, when was she not crying these days?!)_

Her father might be talking about it as though it was yesterday, but a long time had passed since that conversation. Suddenly, it came flooding back to her.

It had been the day of her graduation and Kate had been torn between following her head and her heart; settling down and getting a good job, or pursuing a Masters in languages and qualifying as a teacher - raking up yet more debt but flinging herself into the life that she wanted.

The brunette remembered the conversation, but more importantly, so did her dad.

The realisation filled her with bittersweet happiness and she gave a tearful laugh, "You did say that to me. And I had forgotten, actually."

He nodded sagely, "Forgetfulness. You get that from your mother."

Kate laughed again and wiped her eyes, "Probably."

She took a mouthful of her tea as she considered his advice.

Her parents' encouragement had been a constant in her life, showing her how to be kind and sensible but brave enough to pursue her dreams, and Kate suddenly knew with absolute clarity that she could be a good parent, because her parents had been incredible.

For the first time since she had walked away from Caroline, the brunette genuinely believed that she could make a success of this on her own.

The sadness that had suffocated her for weeks became that tiny bit smaller.

She looked seriously at the amazing man in the opposite armchair, "Thanks Dad, you always make me feel better."

Her father shrugged, "It's what I'm here for."

Kate could think of very few responses that would end without her crying again; eventually settling on, "Make sure you drink your tea before it gets cold."

She picked up her own drink and watched her father over the rim, studying every wonderful part of him while she still had the chance.

Joseph smiled faintly back at her, happy just to have his daughter with him for a while.


	9. Chapter 9

As she marched down the school corridor, Caroline gave herself a sideways glance in one of the windows and smirked at her reflection.

She was looking good.

Which was hardly a surprise considering the headmistress had set her alarm an hour early so that she could apply her makeup at her dressing table in a break from her usual morning routine; a masterful juggling act that involved peering into her rear-view mirror while stopped at traffic lights and half-heartedly dabbing on mascara while trying not to rear-end the car in front.

She had deliberately power dressed in her favourite black skirt, powder blue blouse and killer heels. Her hair had been meticulously blow-dried, she was wearing her expensive moisturiser and had opened the posh perfume that she had been saving for a special occasion.

The whole effect had taken so long to put together that by the time Caroline actually left the house, she was running slightly late.

But as the blonde focused on sashaying along as though she owned the place (which she essentially did), she was sure that it would all be worth the effort.

A group of students came barrelling around the corner calling to each other excitedly. The second they clocked their headmistress' no-nonsense expression they fell silent, scattering around her like a shoal of sardines around a shark.

Caroline acknowledged them with a brief nod and strode on.

As she passed her office, she glanced through the window and caught sight of Beverley busily scribbling something down as she talked on the phone. Caroline pretended not to see the sympathetic look her secretary gave her as they briefly locked eyes.

Inside the office, Beverley ended the call and let out a long-suffering sigh, understanding immediately why the blonde looked so smart but had a face like thunder; it was Kate's last day before maternity leave.

She stood from her paperwork and set about making them both a cup of tea. It was the best thing to do in a crisis.

XXXXX

As Caroline reached the staff room the sound of laughter and excited chattering from behind the door caused a flare of irrational anger to surge within her.

The last six weeks had been torture, and the evidence that the rest of the world was busy enjoying life was doing nothing to improve her mood.

The headmistress had spent her days glimpsing Kate around the school and furtively watching her in staff meetings. For one terrible hour, she had even been forced to assess one of the younger woman's lessons.

Caroline had watched with an ache in her chest as Kate enthusiastically explained Greek mythology to some surprisingly engaged teenagers. The subject had made the brunette's face light up and all Caroline could do was muse about how lovely she looked, and how she appeared for all the world to be completely indifferent to the blonde's presence.

Every glimpse of Kate hurt, but Caroline was resigned to the fact that not seeing her at all was going to be infinitely worse. The clock had wound down; maternity leave had arrived, and after today she would not even be able to watch Kate's life from the side lines.

Instead, she would spend months catching snippets of conversations between other teachers as they chatted about how great Kate was looking, how beautiful the baby was, and how this wonderful person was moving on without her.

Caroline clenched her jaw at the thought and swung open the door a little more forcefully than she had intended. The chattering and laughter immediately died as everyone turned to look her way.

Several members of staff were standing around, holding drinks and eating cake. Kate sat in the centre of the fray holding a tiny white baby-grow, an array of bags and gifts dotted about the table in front of her. A balloon was tied to her chair and there was a 'Congratulations' banner on the wall.

Caroline took everything in with a practiced blank expression. Her eyes landed on Kate's face and her heart jolted as she thought she recognised a flicker of longing in the chocolaty eyes that skimmed admiringly over her outfit.

That tiny win gave her the confidence boost she needed, "Good morning everyone, I know it's almost the end of the week but I am sure we can celebrate Ms McKenzie's maternity leave at lunch time. Please could everyone ready themselves for assembly?"

She held open the door expectantly and there was a general murmuring of agreement as people began to file from the room, stopping to congratulate Kate on the way out.

Eventually only the two of them remained, Caroline's heart pounding with nerves as the woman she loved fixed her with serious brown eyes.

"That was a little unnecessary." Kate stated, standing up and raising an eyebrow at her.

"I'm sorry?"

Kate snorted, "The power trip, Caroline. They were only giving me a few presents, or am I not allowed to have friends anymore?"

Caroline frowned, already feeling on the back foot, "Kate, I have no intention of preventing people throwing you a party, but I won't have it interfere with the efficient running of this school."

The younger woman rolled her eyes, "Oh spare me the crap, Caroline. What is this really about?"

The blonde gave a hollow laugh, "It isn't about anything, I just want to start the day," she gestured to the door, "Assembly Hall please, Ms McKenzie."

Kate shook her head in exasperation and bustled past, leaving Caroline alone in the empty room.

The headmistress paused, hand resting on the doorknob, and briefly closed her eyes.

_Well, that went about as badly as I expect the rest of this day to go._

XXXXX

The school bell finally sounded and the children in Kate's last class began cramming their poetry books into their backpacks and filtering from the room.

They waved and wished her luck on their way out, their chattering receding down the corridor as Kate turned to wipe her lesson plan from the board. She heard the door swing closed behind the final student, leaving her alone.

She put down the eraser and looked across the empty rows of desks, the sudden silence ringing in her ears. She loved this classroom – with the papier-mache poppies hanging from the ceiling and the War Poetry display pinned to the wall. It felt strange to be leaving it behind for a whole year.

It felt stranger still to be severing her last tie to Caroline. After today there would be no reason to see the other woman for twelve whole months.

The thought was strange. It had the dull ache of an old wound that would never quite heal, but Kate was gradually moving on from completely devastated and could now make room for other emotions as well; chief of which was the excitement and complete terror of becoming a mother.

Grabbing an empty cardboard box she headed to her desk and began packing up the huge array of hand drawn cards and home-made presents that were piled up in front of her.

It was one of the many things that Kate loved about teaching; the proof that the children were interested in her lessons and wanted to give something back.

She smiled as she individually placed them into the box, admiring the artwork as she went. A cross-stitched 'New Baby' print was particularly well crafted. A card with what she could only guess was a baby drawn on the front was exceptionally_ not _well crafted. She made a mental note to steer that particular child away from any aspirations involving GCSE Art.

As the mountain of presents shrunk, Kate noticed a small gift she did not recognise nestled under the rest. The paper was beautiful and expensive looking, and the wrapping much too neat to be the work of an 11 year old.

She reached for it with slightly trembling hands, instantly recognising the elegantly looped handwriting and the lilt of the expensive fountain pen.

Taking a deep breath, Kate flipped over the tag.

_I know I have no right to leave you a gift, but I couldn't let you go without a token to say goodbye. I am sorry I could not be the person you deserve. You will make a wonderful mother and your daughter will be incredibly lucky to have you. C x _

Kate's hands shook as she slid her thumbnail under the expensive wrapping paper. It sprung apart to reveal a turquoise Tiffany box.

Her eyes widened as she gently pulled apart the silk bow and lifted the lid.

Inside were two perfect silver bangles – one much smaller than the other, but otherwise identical. A matching set for a mother and child.

They were beautiful and understated and so Caroline that Kate did not know whether to gaze at them forever or throw them at the wall.

Tears welled up as she picked up the smaller bracelet and traced her thumb over the cool metal. The afternoon sunlight swirling around the empty classroom glinted on the inscription;

_Well-behaved women seldom make history._

Kate snorted. Trust Caroline to encourage the child to become a complete handful even when she would not be around to influence it directly.

The brunette picked up the bigger bangle to check for an inscription;

_Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart._

Kate rolled her eyes – it was a quote from Winnie the Pooh. She had told Caroline she was going to paint it on the wall of the nursery but the blonde had disapproved of such frivolous decoration in her pristine Georgian townhouse. Kate supposed this was her way of apologising.

She placed them back in the box with a sigh and wiped her teary eyes. It felt as though a wound that had just started to heal was opening all over again. The loneliness of missing Caroline washed over her and she longed to go in search of the headmistress.

It was only the dull ache of the previous betrayal that kept her in her seat. She had been hurt too many times by the blonde's inability to commit and nothing had changed – Kate was still about to have a child and Caroline was still not emotionally mature enough to step up and deal with that.

The brunette knew she would have to sort through her feelings at some point, but right now she put a lid on them, just as she had with the turquoise box in front of her – gently closing it and placing it alongside the glittery cards and boxes of chocolates to be dealt with another time.

She stood up and tucked the cardboard box under her arm, walking towards the exit between the rows of empty desks. Reaching the door, she paused to look back on her lovely classroom for a few seconds, before switching off the light and closing the door on that part of her life.


	10. Chapter 10

Caroline stood in the middle of her kitchen, her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail and her cheeks flushed with the heat from the stove.

Pots and pans were strewn haphazardly across the island counter, and as the blonde wearily surveyed the chaos, she wished for the hundredth time that they had just ordered a take-away.

Her eldest son hovered uncertainly on the sidelines, wondering whether he could slip away before he was noticed. It seemed unlikely.

Taking a deep breath, the teenager asked the dreaded question, "Mum, are you okay?"

Caroline pushed her glasses up onto her head with a sigh, "Do I look okay?!"

She glanced up from the pan she was stirring with a scowl, but her expression softened at the sight of her son suited, booted and looking every inch the perfect dinner guest.

William was hands down the most dependable person in her life, and she loved him for it.

"You look handsome," she smiled.

The teenager gave a self-deprecating shrug, "Thanks. Shall I lay the table?"

Without waiting for a response, he picked up a handful of cutlery and headed towards the dining room.

"Where's Lawrence?" he called back.

His mother let out a short laugh, "With your father. I specifically told him that I wanted the whole family together to celebrate Alan's birthday, but apparently he would rather spend the evening playing computer games in a bedsit."

William walked back into the room, "Dinner parties aren't really his sort of thing though are they?" he replied diplomatically, before swiftly changing the subject; "Everything smells delicious by the way."

Caroline's stress levels dropped slightly at the compliment, but suddenly the doorbell rang and she froze in disbelief.

"That cannot possibly be Gillian already?!"

She wiped her hands on her apron and headed towards the hallway.

"That woman has not been on time once in the 45 years she has been on this planet, and she chooses _today_ to turn up bloody early!"

Swinging open the front door, the headmistress found Robbie stood before her, a large, messily wrapped present tucked under one arm.

Next to him stood Gillian, balancing on one leg and hitching up a stylish green dress so that she could pull on a pair of black heels.

Caroline's eyes widened, "You look nice!"

The brunette glanced up and rolled her eyes, "Well, don't sound too surprised!" she complained, wriggling her dress back into position and shoving a bottle of wine towards their host.

Robbie laughed good-naturedly at Caroline's sheepish grin.

"Sorry," she apologised, accepting the bottle, "Thanks for the wine. And you do both look very smart."

She stepped back and held the door open, "Come in. Alan's about to start opening his presents."

XXXXX

Lawrence jumped backwards as a stream of vomit missed his shoes by inches. His eyes were glued to Judith in horror, and he immediately realised he was completely unequipped to handle the situation.

His father's girlfriend was sprawled face down across the sofa, surrounded by numerous empty vodka bottles. Her head drooped over the side and her face was obscured by a curtain of dark hair, the long strands dangerously close to touching the puddle of sick on the floor.

Eventually she looked up, fixing the teenager with unfocused eyes, "Sorry Lawrence," she slurred, "Please could you get me a glass of water?"

The boy backed away and headed towards the kitchen, jumping at the chance to leave the room.

As he stood at the tap and filled a glass with shaking hands, Lawrence conceded that his mother may have been right; this was no place for a 15 year old. Not that he would ever tell_ her_ that.

The boy re-entered the living room to find that Judith was now on her hands and knees, making a futile attempt to mop up the mess with some kitchen roll.

"I'm sorry," she helplessly repeated.

Lawrence just nodded and placed the glass of water on the side before grabbing his mobile and calling his father.

"Hello?"

"Dad, Judith's been sick. When are you getting back?"

"Oh, Jesus!"

John, to his credit, sounded worried.

"I'm sorry, Lawrence. God, your mother is going to kill me. I'm just grabbing us some food, but I will be back as soon as I can. Okay?"

Lawrence shrugged.

"Okay," he mumbled, ending the call and glancing desperately around the grimy flat.

He wished that he could just get out of there, but phoning his mother was not an option – number one, it meant admitting that his dad was at fault, and number two, it would interrupt Alan's birthday.

He supposed he could just walk out, but he had no money and no means of transport.

From her spot on the floor, Judith made a retching noise, and in that split-second Lawrence made up his mind; he grabbed his phone and ran.

Stepping out onto the dark street, the teenager closed the door behind him, picked a random direction and started walking.

His only aim was to get as far away from the smell of sick (and the mess his father had made of his life) as possible.

John was Lawrence's absolute hero; he was interesting and funny and the only person who made the teenager feel as important as his older brother.

But tonight he had witnessed first-hand the life his father had chosen over his family. It was a painful discovery, but it gave him a renewed flicker of respect for his mother.

The cold air cleared his head and Lawrence stopped walking, realising that he had no idea where he was. He sat down on a bench, breathing some heat into his hands and stamping his feet against the cold.

A catcall from the other side of the street made him look up. A group of older boys were perched on BMX bikes, staring at him menacingly.

One of the boys gave him a sarcastic wave and the others laughed as they lazily cycled in aimless circles.

Lawrence felt flutter of nerves. Retrieving his phone from his pocket, he quickly checked Google maps and groaned at the hour long walk home.

He bit his nails as he thought about his options.

Another of the boys yelled over, interrupting his thought process, "Oi, nice phone, mind if I borrow it?"

The others sniggered and jeered, gradually swooping their bikes in wider circles, until it looked as though they were about to approach him.

It was at that point Lawrence punched the call button.

XXXXX

Kate had thrown all the windows of the tiny box room in her father's house wide open, enjoying the feel of the cold air billowing around her and cooling her heated skin.

The brunette had been hard at work for hours and now stood at the centre of the empty room, her hair and face speckled with magnolia paint, pausing to admire her progress.

Her thumb absently scratched flecks of dried paint from the bangle around her wrist; a bracelet which only days before she had closed a turquoise lid on and promised never to wear.

As her fingers traced the cool metal, a vision of Caroline jumped into her mind, but she immediately pushed it away, pleased to find that doing so was becoming easier and easier.

As the exciting reality of being a mother got closer, the part of her that longed for Caroline was receding.

She looked around the room with a small smile. It was cosier than the nursery at Caroline's would have been, and she had not had time to make it quite as personalised as she would like, but it was now a bright and homely little space for her daughter.

Kate felt the baby fidget inside her and splayed her hand affectionately over her bump. Like everything in the brunette's life at the moment, it was not what she had been planning, but it would work out just fine.

Suddenly, Kate's phone buzzed and she grabbed it from the window sill, frowning as Lawrence's name lit up the screen.

For a moment she hesitated; she had never been Lawrence's favourite person, and for all she knew, it might be Caroline using his number to trick her into answering.

Then again, there could be a genuine problem.

The brunette knew, from the leap of concern in her chest, that if there was an issue, she would still want to help.

Taking a deep breath, she accepted the call.

"Hello?"

"Ms McKenzie…Kate…it's Lawrence."


	11. Chapter 11

Dinner had actually gone more smoothly than Caroline had anticipated; Gillian and Robbie seemed happy, Alan had loved his presents and, best of all, she did not yet appear to have given anyone food poisoning.

They were now all sat around the table laughing and drinking Prosecco, and the blonde watched as Alan, cheeks rosy with the wine, doted on her mother who was actually _blushing_.

Caroline smiled at the sight of them, feeling a sudden rush of affection for her family. She put the improvement in her mood down to the fact that she was warm, sleepy and just a little bit tipsy.

Next to the love birds, William was animatedly explaining something to Robbie; demonstrating yet again what an accomplished young man he was becoming.

It was then that Caroline realised two things – firstly; that they were almost out of wine, and secondly; that Gillian was missing.

She rose from the table in search of both, suspecting that they might be found together.

XXXXX

As she entered the kitchen, the blonde was hit by a gust of cold air and she turned to see that the patio doors had been inched open. Gillian was sat on the stoop, facing away from her and looking out into the darkness.

Caroline walked over with a frown, "What are you doing in here?" she asked suspiciously.

The other woman jumped and turned to look at her, "Nothing!"

Caroline's eyes widened as a tell-tale smell filled her nostrils, "Are you _smoking?!_ In my house?!"

Gillian sighed, "No, Caroline," she replied, as though the headmistress was being particularly dense, "I'm smoking on your patio."

She swept her hand across the dark expanse before her to illustrate her point.

The hostess folded her arms in outrage, "And you didn't think to stand out in the garden, rather than fill my kitchen with smoke?"

Gillian looked appalled, "It's bloody freezing out there!" she objected, taking a long drag.

"I'm almost finished now, anyway."

Caroline sighed and slid the door further open. The cold air swirled around her and she suddenly felt a little more drunk than before. Snagging a shawl from around the smaller woman's shoulders, she draped it around herself and sat down.

"Hey!" Gillian protested, wrapping her arms around her body protectively, "It's cold you know?!"

Caroline arched an eyebrow incredulously, "You realise this is _my _shawl?"

"Yeah, but you weren't using it," the other woman mumbled, sulkily.

The blonde smiled faintly, "Well, now I am," she replied, pulling it tightly around her and hugging her knees for warmth.

Gillian rolled her eyes, "Look at the Head Girl slumming it round the back of the bike sheds."

Caroline gave her a haughty look, "Who says I was Head Girl?"

"Oh, please," the woman next to her snorted, exhaling a long plume of smoke. She held up an empty glass for inspection, "You're out of wine."

Caroline nodded, "Yes, well, I had some borderline alcoholics to dinner and they seem to have drunk it all."

"Touché," the brunette grinned, offering over the cigarette.

The blonde shook her head, "I don't smoke."

Gillian sighed, "Of course you don't."

Caroline grinned mischievously as she produced a hipflask from her pocket, "But it turns out that I do confiscate booze from my teenage son to keep as an emergency stash."

Gillian's eyes lit up as she was handed the flask. She took a large swig and winced as the liquid glugged down her throat.

"Oh my God!" she spluttered, "I was expecting paint thinner, but that is bloody good brandy!"

Caroline hummed in agreement, "I should think so. It came from my liquor cabinet."

Gillian looked surprised, "Seriously?!"

The blonde pursed her lips, "After that row with my mother, I poured myself an exceptionally large glass of brandy and it turned out to be apple juice."

Gillian let out a shout of laughter, "Nice one, Lawrence! Are you sure we didn't accidentally swap kids at some stage?"

She took another drag on her cigarette, "So, did you give him the bollocking of a lifetime?"

"I was going to," the headmistress shrugged, "but in the end I just replaced the contents of his flask with apple juice and put it back where I found it."

Her eyes sparkled as she took a sip of brandy, "He'll be furious when he arrives at a party with that!"

Gillian sniggered, "That's ingenious," she marvelled, nudging the woman next to her playfully.

For a few seconds they sat quietly together, sharing their confiscated booze.

Eventually, Gillian broke the silence, "How is everything with your mum, anyway?" she asked, flicking ash onto the patio and pretending not to notice the blonde's disapproving look.

Caroline shrugged, "Better."

There was another pause before the headmistress sighed, "Still a bit tense. She's in her eighties and I called her a bigot and shouted that I enjoyed sex with other women, so it's not exactly been a normal few days."

"Well, she needed to hear it," Gillian replied firmly, before adding with a smirk, "Maybe not in quite as much detail, but…"

Caroline smiled ruefully, "I'm not saying she didn't deserve it, but it's a bit of an embarrassing conversation to have with your mother."

Her friend snorted, "Oh please. She'll have to get over it eventually."

Gillian leaned forwards and stubbed out her cigarette, using it as an opportunity to hide her face, "And I doubt your argument is the most embarrassing thing that's happened to Celia recently."

Caroline raised an eyebrow, "Oh?"

Even in the half light from the kitchen, the headmistress could see that Gillian was blushing.

They sat in silence for a few seconds until the blonde could not take it anymore, "_Well?!_"

Gillian reached for the hip flask, "It's a bit embarrassing."

Caroline chuckled, "Oh, I'm counting on it!"

The smaller woman huffed and took a swig of brandy, "A few weeks ago, when dad and Celia were staying over, me and Robbie went to the pub."

Keeping her eyes on the floor, Gillian forced herself to continue, "It was late by the time we got back and we were both a bit pissed. We were on the sofa kissing, and you know…"

Out of the corner of her eye she could see Caroline's smile growing until it stretched from ear to ear. She gave the blonde a gentle shove, "Stop laughing!"

"Sorry," Caroline replied, not sounding sorry in the slightest.

Gillian sighed, "So, one thing led to another and we started to, _you know_..."

Caroline's eyes widened in mock outrage, "You know I've _slept _on that sofa?!"

The brunette shot her a withering look, "Do you want to hear this story or do you want to make sarky comments?"

"I think I can manage both," her friend deadpanned.

Gillian shook her head, "So, we were under a blanket…thank God…but pretty much naked. Then the hall light came on."

Caroline clapped a hand over her mouth, "Gillian, please tell me my mother did not see you and Robbie having sex."

Beside her the smaller woman was blushing furiously, and it was hands down the best thing Caroline had seen in weeks.

"Well, that's the problem. At first she didn't see us," Gillian mumbled, "She poured herself a glass of water and then just sat down on the other sofa."

Caroline covered her face with her hands and properly laughed for the first time in ages. She had forgotten how good it felt.

Gillian grinned and snagged the end of the blonde's shawl, dragging the corner over her own shoulders before continuing, "She just sat there in her little pink dressing gown, while we were frozen under the blanket."

She took a deep breath, pointedly avoiding a pair of sparkling eyes, "…In the end Robbie had to cough to get her attention."

Caroline burst out laughing and she could not stop. She held her sides and laughed until it hurt.

Gillian bit the inside of her cheek to stifle her own smile, "Anyway, Robbie was really embarrassed and he hasn't seen your mum since, so he's been panicking all the way here. It's probably why he's downed so much wine."

For some reason, the thought of poor, sweet Robbie being so mortified made Caroline laugh even harder, and as Gillian watched her friend doubled over on the stoop, taking huge gasping breaths in a futile attempt to regain some self-control, the brunette finally lost her composure as well.

The memory of Celia's horrified expression washed over her, and Gillian covered her face, her toes curling in embarrassment even as she laughed helplessly.

Her utter mortification was not lost on Caroline, who by this point genuinely thought she might never be able to pull herself together.

Eventually, their bouts of helpless laughter died down and they both wiped their eyes, still giggling slightly.

Gillian looked over at the blonde with a sheepish grin, "I'm just saying that your mum has faced much worse than a barney with you recently."

Caroline's smile was so huge that her cheeks were starting to ache, "Hmmm," she agreed, "Well, thank you for so dramatically raising the bar for me."

The brunette rolled her eyes and reached for the hipflask, "Happy to help," she replied, taking another mouthful of their stolen booze.

XXXXX

As Kate drove along the same street for the third time, trying to spot a sullen teenage boy, she wondered how she kept get dragged into Caroline's problems.

In reality, she already knew the answer; because this was not actually about Caroline. It was about Lawrence. If he was worried enough to call her, of all people, to get him out of a scrape, then he really must be in trouble.

Besides, Lawrence was not just Caroline's son, he was also a pupil at Kate's school and she owed him a duty of care.

That was her official story and she was sticking to it.

As Kate entered the high street, she suddenly noticed Lawrence sitting on a metal bench, his head bowed as a group of larger boys circled around him on BMXs.

"Shit!" she murmured, immediately pulling into a bus stop and jumping out of the car.

"Lawrence!" she called across the road.

The boy raised his head at the sound of his name. His shoulders were squared and he was scowling menacingly, but Kate knew him well enough to recognise the flicker of fear in his eyes.

One of the older boys looked over and sniggered, "Oooh! Mummy to the rescue!"

"Get lost!" Lawrence responded, standing up and taking a step towards her.

The older teen lazily rolled his BMX forward, blocking Lawrence's path. The group jeered and spread themselves out so that Lawrence was unable to navigate his way around them.

"Oi!" Kate called from the far side of the road.

She slammed the door of her BMW behind her and took an angry step towards them.

She did not see the car until it collided with her.

XXXXX

The two women had just snagged some Prosecco from the fridge and were headed back to the dining room when Caroline's phone vibrated.

The blonde jumped, yanking it from her pocket and frowning as her son's name flashed across the screen.

"Lawrence?"

"…Mum…"

Caroline's eyes widened at the tears she could hear in his voice. She immediately covered her ear to block out the chatter from the other room.

"Lawrence, what's wrong?"

There was a tiny choking sound as the boy forced out the words, "…It's Kate…there's been an accident…"


	12. Chapter 12

Celia stood in the hospital corridor looking perplexed, "What was Kate even doing collecting Lawrence? You two haven't been an item for weeks."

Caroline felt all her fear and anger come bursting forth, "She did it because she's fucking _perfect_!" she snapped, her body rigid and her fists clenched in frustration, "Because Lawrence called her and Kate wanted to help, like she always does. She did it because she knew I would be worried and because she's lovely - the best thing to happen to me in 15 sodding years!"

Caroline felt tears tracking their way down her cheeks as she broke off with a sob. Fear clawed at her insides and threatened to rip her to pieces. She felt as though she were literally falling apart; that her body could not possibly contain the terror bubbling up inside her, pressing its way out through her skin.

Her mother looked on, obviously concerned but still utterly bewildered at her daughter's complete break down.

Caroline understood Celia's expression; her mother _still _didn't understand what she could possibly see in another woman. And for the first time it genuinely didn't bother the blonde at all - her mother's disapproval completely failed to register on her list of priorities.

It was Alan, fortunately, who was there to put an arm comfortingly around her shoulders and lead her to a seat.

"Come on," he murmured soothingly, "It's going to be alright, lass."

Caroline removed her head from her hands and fixed him with desperate, watery eyes.

"How can you possibly know that? She might _die_! And I never told her that I was sorry, that I was a complete bloody idiot!"

Alan pulled her closer in an attempt to calm her, "Don't worry about all that now, you will have plenty of time to put everything right."

XXXXX

As the doctors fought to save the life of the woman she loved, Caroline's own existence came to a complete standstill. The minutes crept past, both agonisingly slow and at the same time almost completely irrelevant to the blonde, who felt as though she existed only inside this endless frozen bubble, in this one hospital corridor.

Her whole body was tense as she perched on a plastic chair, every nerve heightened and every muscle taut. She was vaguely aware of people trying to talk to her, trying to reach her; even passing her tepid cups of tea and then removing them from her grasp when they turned stone cold in her immobile hands.

She was barely keeping blind panic at bay. She could not lose Kate. It was absolutely not an option. Back when they had been separated, Kate continuing her life away from Caroline had been the most horrific thing imaginable.

But it was at least imaginable.

Caroline felt mirth rise inside her; she would give anything to go back to that misery now.

Instead, fate had chosen to kick the shit out of her again, giving her something worse than she could have believed possible.

Caroline could live her life without Kate, admittedly probably miserable and bitter, but if she knew that Kate was somewhere living, breathing, even moving on from her, then she could keep going herself.

But for Kate to be dead - for someone so kind, wonderful and full of life, to just _die_. Well, Caroline was not sure she could live in that world.

These thoughts swirled around her head, breaking through the blankness that filled most of the time they spent waiting for news. Her mother and Alan never left her side, but Caroline had never felt so completely alone.

The only way to deal with the pure terror was not to feel anything at all, until she knew that she had to. So she sat in a world of silence and numbness until she found out whether the one person who understood her, completed her, would return to her.

After minutes, hours, days - Caroline was really not sure how much time had passed - the surgery doors swung open and footsteps made their way towards her.

She only noticed someone blocking her view when a pair of legs in green scrubs came to a halt directly in front of where she was staring blankly across the corridor.

The blonde jumped to her feet, spilling cold tea as she stood. Her panicked blue eyes searched the impassive face for any sign of an answer that she was both desperate to receive and absolutely dreading. Her heart hammered in her ears and she felt as though she might be sick at any second.

The doctor put a hand out to steady her, "Your partner has undergone major surgery and there were some complications."

Caroline felt her world begin to collapse, tears spilled from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

"But," the doctor continued, looking at her piercingly to make sure that he was getting through, "she has survived. She lost a lot of blood and we had to restart her heart twice, so she is by no means out of the woods, but she is alive. It will be a long road to recovery, if we get that far. The next 24 hours will be crucial."

Relief washed over Caroline. Kate was alive. For the moment at least, Kate was alive, and by extension Caroline felt as though she could bear to live. All the rest they would deal with as it came, but right now they had been granted a reprieve.

Celia's voice came from somewhere to Caroline's left, making the blonde jump slightly. She had forgotten that other people inhabited the cold and sterile little world she had slipped into.

"And the baby, doctor?" she heard her mother ask.

Caroline glanced at Celia and then urgently back at the doctor. Another wave of fear overwhelmed her; please, _please_ don't let Kate lose her baby. It would be so unfair to have a child snatched away from a mother who wanted her so badly.

The doctor's expression cleared somewhat and he gave a small smile, "We had to perform an emergency C-section, but she's fine. The midwives took her away to be cleaned up and checked over, but you can visit her soon."

He smiled at Caroline, "Congratulations."

Relief swept over Caroline at the news, but she did not allow herself to feel any joy.

The blonde had outlined her concerns about Kate's baby in that fateful conversation weeks ago, and right now she was glad that she had - Caroline simply didn't feel like the child's mother. She wanted the baby to be safe, of course, but her sole concern was the beautiful brunette whose life still hung so tenuously in the balance.

Noting the happiness spreading across Celia's face, Caroline felt a sudden and overwhelming surge of anger. It was completely typical of her mother to feel better knowing that the baby would be okay. She had never had any time for Kate, and Caroline still might lose her.

"Kate - when can I see her?"

The words escaped Caroline before she knew she had wanted to ask them, her voice so raspy that it sounded alien, even to her own ears.

The doctor smiled gently, "You can see her right away, but she is unconscious and very poorly, so you mustn't expect too much."

Caroline swallowed hard and nodded her head once in acknowledgement.


	13. Chapter 13

_Author's Note: Sorry this update has taken a while. I have reached the point in the story where I have very little pre-written, so the chapters are taking slightly longer. I promise I will keep updating when I can. Thank you for bearing with me and for all your lovely reviews, I really appreciate it! xx_

XXXXX

The nurse ushered Caroline into the room and gave her a sympathetic look as the blonde stopped dead with a gasp.

Kate lay motionless in the hospital bed, looking absolutely tiny against the huge white pillows. Her head was bandaged, one of her eyes had swollen shut and her lip was split.

Her chest rose and fell methodically as air was pumped into her lungs and tubes snaked ominously from her body towards a multitude of machines.

Caroline froze, her eyes fixed on the younger woman's face as she tried to find the person she knew beneath the breathing tubes and bruising.

The nurse gently nudged her towards a seat, watching Caroline's pinched face carefully as she spoke, "I know it looks bad, but the doctor says that the surgery went well. She is in a medically induced coma to give the swelling around her brain some time to go down."

Caroline nodded, her eyes wide, and the other woman knew from her expression of shocked disbelief that she was not really listening.

With a small sigh, she gave the clipboard at the foot of the bed a cursory glance before scribbling down some notes. After a few seconds she shot Caroline a sideways look; the blonde was sat rigid and motionless in her chair.

Taking a deep breath the nurse decided to try again, "She may be able to hear you, so it might help to talk to her," she encouraged, clipping the chart back to the bed and heading towards the door.

Caroline nodded again, her eyes never leaving Kate; too shocked by her frailty to process much of anything.

The beautiful brunette looked so broken that Caroline could not conceive of her ever recovering. The idea was devastating and she instinctively reached out to take her hand, desperate to provide comfort so that Kate would somehow sense she was not alone.

But before Caroline could entwine their fingers she paused, her hand outstretched towards the bed. Kate had always seemed delicate and ethereal, but now so much catastrophic damage had been done to her that the blonde was strangely worried even holding her hand might cause her pain.

Forcing herself to move slowly, she gently slid her hand beneath the brunette's. It felt like a strange liberty after weeks resisting every impulse to touch the younger woman. The warmth of her delicate fingers reminded Caroline with a pang of exactly what she had been missing.

Thankfully it also provided a tiny piece of reassurance that life still ran through Kate's beaten and bruised body.

Tears pricked the back of the blonde's eyes as she ran her thumb over Kate's hand, stilling her movements as her thumbnail connected with cool metal.

Glancing down, Caroline's eyes widened in disbelief as she noticed for the first time the silver bangle at Kate's wrist.

She reached out with her free hand and gently turned it to get a better view. It was unmistakably the same gift she had spent all those hours agonising over.

The sudden realisation that Kate had chosen to keep a part of Caroline close caused the last of the blonde's defences to crumble and a wave of devastating grief washed away her protective veil of numbness.

As she looked helplessly at the bruised face of the woman she loved, Caroline cried for everything she had already lost and everything she still stood to lose.

XXXXX

The headmistress did not know how long she had been sat in the quiet little room; the only indication that time was passing at all came from the regular beeping of Kate's heart monitor and the even puffs of air pumping into her lungs.

Still silenced by the enormity of the situation, Caroline just held Kate's hand, her fingertips resting against the reassuring pulse beating at her wrist.

The passing hours were almost completely irrelevant to the blonde; if she needed to sit with Kate like this until the end of time, then she was absolutely certain that nothing on Earth could drag her away.

Behind her someone cleared their throat and Caroline looked up to see the same nurse fixing her with a no-nonsense expression.

"I was wondering whether you would like to see the baby?"

Caroline swallowed and shook her head, "I can't leave Kate," she croaked, her voice raspy from lack of use.

The nurse nodded, "I thought you might say that, but there really isn't anything more you can do for your partner tonight and there is a baby on the next ward who needs a visitor. It doesn't seem right to leave her with just the midwives."

Despite being drained to the point she was struggling to think coherently, Caroline recognised the other woman's words as sound advice; there was a completely innocent baby in all of this who deserved someone to take care of her.

What was more, Kate would be devastated to think that nobody was taking more than a professional interest in her daughter.

The blonde nodded once in acceptance, gently disentangling her fingers from Kate's and standing on legs that cramped at the sudden change in position after so many hours.

She looked down into a barely recognisable face mottled purple with bruising and almost couldn't bring herself to leave. The fleeting desire to kiss Kate goodbye was overwhelming and Caroline leaned forward to gently place her lips against the younger woman's cheek, closing her eyes at the familiar smell of vanilla body lotion.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," she promised softly.

With that, the blonde reluctantly made her way across the room, turning as she reached the doorway to take one last look at Kate. The sight of such a wonderful person so beaten and alone made her heart break all over again.

XXXXX

Caroline looked down at the baby cradled in her arms and felt tears begin to trickle down her cheeks.

_Kate _she thought as she took in her caramel coloured skin, silky soft curls and beautiful dark eyes.

The baby was absolutely tiny – much smaller than either of her boys had been – and as soon as a little hand had wrapped itself around Caroline's pinky finger, she was hit by the same overwhelming rush of love that she had felt the first time she had held her sons.

It shook her to her core, made her feel complete, but at the same time small and insignificant before the importance of the tiny child in her arms.

The enormity of what it meant to be a parent, and the wonder of having something so precious to herself, overawed Caroline in that same way. It hit her like a sledgehammer and she knew instantly that she should have seen it coming.

_She loved Kate, so she would love Flora._

It made so much sense that she felt ridiculous for ever considering that it wouldn't.

Kate was the love of her life; she found nearly everything about the woman captivating and intriguing, so she should have known she would instantly feel the same about her daughter.

_It doesn't get said enough that you fall head-over-heels in love with your_ _children_ Caroline thought with a pang of longing.

She had thrown away the chance to be this child's mother, because she was stupid and selfish and short sighted, but she knew that she needed to stay strong - for Kate and for Flora.

This baby was all alone in the world until Kate could care for her and the blonde would be damned if she wouldn't protect her fiercely in the meantime.

"I'm Caroline," she whispered to the little girl, "and I am going to do whatever I can to save your mummy."

Her voice faltered as her thoughts turned to Kate across the corridor, wired up to drips, tubes and monitors.

She forced herself to keep everything together as she rocked Flora in her arms, "Whatever happens today, and for the rest of my life, I promise that if you need me, I'll always be here."


	14. Chapter 14

A pair of serious brown eyes watched Caroline with so much hurt you would think that the blonde had single-handedly ruined their life.

And since those eyes belonged to Kate's mother, Caroline conceded that she probably had a point.

The second the headmistress had entered the ward, her stomach had dropped at the sight of Ginika sat before her, protectively clasping her daughter's hand.

It had not occurred to Caroline that the older woman would arrive so quickly. She had hoped to have more time to prepare; to somehow find the words to justify her recent behaviour, as well as a means to comfort someone else when it was already taking unbelievable self-control just to stay sane herself.

As she paused to take a steadying breath, the blonde's eyes swept the room; Kate looked exactly the same as she had before Caroline had sprinted home to haphazardly throw some belongings into an overnight bag - that is to say, awful.

She was still bandaged, still bruised, and still woefully frail in the massive hospital bed.

Sitting beside her, Ginika looked exactly as you would expect an elderly woman to look if she had been phoned in the middle of the night, told that her only child had been in a life threatening accident, and then urgently boarded a trans-Atlantic flight to another continent.

Her purple blouse was rumpled from the long journey and there were dark circles under her eyes, but most striking was the worry etched deep into the creases of her face.

In short, Ginika looked as emotionally and physically drained as Caroline felt. Yet there was a defiant set to her jaw that let the blonde know she was ready to take on anyone in her path. Particularly the snooty headmistress responsible for stomping on her daughter's heart.

Caroline readjusted the overnight bag on her shoulder, steeled herself and stepped into the room.

"Ginika, I am so glad you are here."

There was a single nod in response as the older woman watched Caroline slip the bag onto the floor and hold out her hand in greeting.

Reluctantly, the brunette shook it, "Of course. As soon as I got your call I boarded the next plane out of JFK."

With that she turned her gaze back to Kate, "My poor baby."

Her voice cracked as she reached out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her daughter's ear. Caroline's stomach flipped when she realised it was still matted with blood.

Feeling vaguely nauseous she sank into the opposite chair and wrapped her arms protectively around her stomach.

"I am so sorry, Ginika," she offered, fixing the older woman with desperate blue eyes.

There was a shrug as Ginika met her gaze, "I warned my daughter you might break her heart," she replied, dark eyes softening ever so slightly as she turned her focus back to Kate, "but even you aren't responsible for this."

As Caroline watched the other woman fluffing pillows and smoothing the bedsheet, she let out a shaky sigh, "Maybe not directly, but Kate put herself in danger to protect Lawrence."

She gave a tiny, rueful smile, "Your daughter always seems to come to the rescue in my family."

Caroline's gaze dropped to her knees, "I should have treated her better," she admitted in a small voice.

Ginika raised an eyebrow, eyes never leaving her daughter, "Yes. You should have," she finished simply, and suddenly the blonde felt as though she was being dismissed.

She stood and cleared her throat, "Can I get you anything? It must have been a long flight."

Ginika ran her thumb over the back of Kate's hand, "I just want to stay here for a while," she replied, giving Kate a small smile she could not return, "In case she needs me."

Caroline nodded and glanced around the room in search of something to do, "I'll go and visit Flora – give you some space."

The older woman glanced up in surprise, "I didn't think you would want to see the baby?"

Caroline felt her cheeks redden. She ran a hand through her tangled hair as she sought the right words.

"I realise that I behaved badly when Kate was pregnant. I was selfish and a complete coward."

She paused to check that Ginika was listening because she wanted there to be no doubting her sincerity, "But now that Flora is here I really do want take care of her until Kate can do it herself."

Ginika considered this for a moment and shrugged, "Well I am here for both of them now, so you needn't concern yourself if it is too much trouble."

Caroline's heart lurched at the idea of being so summarily dismissed and she slowly sat back down, realising for the first time the extent of the power that Ginika now held.

She smoothed an invisible crease from her skirt as she fought to keep desperation out of her voice, "I accept that I behaved horribly, but I never stopped caring about Kate. Whether we are together or not, she was hurt helping my family and I want to be here for her until she wakes up."

The blonde waved her hand dismissively, "Even if when she does she just tells me to sod off."

Ginika gave a tiny smile and watched Caroline rub her tired eyes before continuing, "God knows she has every right to!" she gave a hollow laugh, "I wish she would wake up right now so I could tell her what a complete bloody idiot I've been."

A knot of fear twisted in Caroline's gut as she laid all her cards on the table, "As for your granddaughter; Kate would be thrilled with every tiny piece of her. She is absolutely perfect and she's been the only thing making the situation bearable."

There was an awkward pause, "I suppose what I'm saying is that I would love to carry on seeing Flora."

Ginika opened her mouth but Caroline could already see the scepticism in her face and cut across her, "What I mean is, I would like to…help you with everything…including Flora, if you will let me?"

Those serious brown eyes were still watching Caroline, but this time the hostility was gone and their expression was harder to read.

The headmistress felt the familiar sensation of being considered; weighed up. Obviously Kate's talent for reading people had been inherited.

Eventually, the older woman spoke, "I spent the whole flight over here planning how I would juggle raising my granddaughter while caring for my daughter."

Her eyes flicked over to Kate and closed briefly, "Or arriving…" She took a shaky breath and forced herself to continue, "Or arriving to find that my little girl was gone and I would have to look after her baby forever."

Caroline caught a glimpse of the desperate mother bubbling beneath Ginika's composed surface.

"But not once did I worry about having to do all that alone, even at my age, because you never abandon family."

The words hit Caroline like a punch to the gut and her cheeks flamed at the rebuke.

Ginika raised her hands helplessly, "I will stay here for as many weeks as I can, but eventually I am going to have to go back to the States."

She paused as if assessing the impact of her words on the blonde, "I was thinking of taking Flora with me."

"To America?!" Caroline cut in, eyes widening.

Ginika sighed, "If Kate remains too sick to care for her, then I will need to have Flora with me."

She reached out and squeezed Kate's hand, "I would never abandon my daughter, but I have commitments at home. I would bring Flora back here as much as possible."

She shrugged, "Perhaps I could even raise enough money to fly Kate back with me. Or find enough to keep us all here for longer," she rubbed at her temples, "All I can say is that I will stay for as long as possible before I make a decision."

Caroline looked at the other woman in disbelief, not even attempting to hide her horror, "Ginika, I know this isn't my place, but Kate needs to have Flora here forever, not just for a few months! I have been thinking of ways that I could help. I have already booked emergency leave from work."

The headmistress waved her hand dismissively, "Not that any of that matters, I'd quit my bloody job if they had a problem with it. I have a spare room that Kate was already planning to use as a nursery before we broke up, and I am more than happy to let both you and Flora stay for as long as you need."

Ginika shook her head, "Kate is living in my ex-husband's house and I would rather stay there - It's closer to the hospital and it means that when she comes home I can help her more easily."

Caroline nodded vaguely, feeling completely defeated, but the older woman was watching her carefully, "You know what my daughter said when she called to tell me about you?"

Caroline shook her head, still reeling from the previous conversation and thrown slightly off kilter by the sudden change of subject.

Ginika gave a tiny smile, "She phoned me up and she said, _'Mum, I'm dating someone.' _And from the way she paused I knew then what she was going to say. She said _'It's a woman.'_ She paused again and then said, _'She is called Caroline, she's my boss and she has some serious control issues'_."

Caroline breathed a small laugh in spite of herself. She looked at Kate lying unconscious before her, beautiful caramel skin marred darker by bruising and scabbed blood. She looked so lost, despite having her mother's fingers entwined in hers, and Caroline's heart cracked.

Ginika adjusted Kate's sheets as she continued, _"'But she is funny and interesting and she makes me really happy. So I want you to be happy for me.'_"

The woman shrugged. "So I was," she smiled, "It is easy to be happy if your children are happy. But when she pushed for this baby I warned her that it would be hard for you. That you already had your family. And she said not to worry, because you had promised to support her."

Caroline's eyes dropped back to her hands. She picked at her thumb nail guiltily as she listened.

"Then everything went wrong, and I knew that I had been right to have reservations…But the nurses here say you have switched between sitting with Kate and sitting with the baby for 12 hours straight."

She paused and Caroline could feel dark eyes boring into her flushed face.

Ginika sighed and spread her palms out wide, "I suppose what I am saying is I cannot forgive you for breaking her heart, but I understand you should be allowed to try to make amends. I am an old woman, Caroline, and I know I will struggle to give both my daughter and my granddaughter enough support on my own. All I need to know is whether you really want Flora because you care about her, or whether it is a ploy to win my daughter's affections."

Caroline looked at the woman across from her, and knowing that expressing her feelings was never her strong point, she put all the sincerity into her words that she could muster.

"Your daughter is the loveliest person I have ever met; but that isn't the reason I want to be a part of Flora's life. As soon as I held her, I knew that I had to protect her until Kate was well enough to do it herself. Because I care about Flora too."

Ginika pursed her lips and watched Caroline, she could see the nervous tick in the blonde's jaw as she waited for an answer with the look of a woman about to have judgement passed on them.

Finally, she nodded, "Then I will trust you with both of them."

Her expression softened slightly, "Besides, as further proof that my daughter does not listen to a single word I say, the hospital tell me that you are still technically her next-of-kin," the woman rolled her eyes, "despite me telling her to change that weeks ago."

She continued with a small smile, "So I suppose it makes sense that you should be allowed to help, if you want to. The only thing I ask is that, if Flora stays with you, I can visit as often as possible – I may still lose my daughter. I won't lose my granddaughter as well."

Caroline gave her a watery smile, "I promise that Flora and I will always be thrilled to have you."


	15. Chapter 15

Caroline had feared a new baby coming into her life so much that she had risked her relationship with the woman she loved. Yet even when she had been most worried about the new arrival, she never dreamed that Kate wouldn't be there to do the majority of the legwork.

Instead, Caroline found herself raising a colicky baby almost single handed. The headmistress was not sure whether it was the added pressure of being at the top of the career ladder, whether it was because she was older, or whether she had simply forgotten how difficult it had all been the first time around, but she had to admit that she was struggling.

Flora was still absolutely tiny, having gained less weight than expected, which meant that she was still in hospital while they monitored her progress. It was an arrangement that meant Caroline found herself rushing home from work, cooking dinner, ensuring that Lawrence studied for his GCSEs, and then leaving to visit both Kate and Flora night after night. As a schedule, Caroline found it completely gruelling.

And it wasn't that she didn't love Flora, because she did. She was captivated and enamoured with her in the same way as every new parent, but the stress and tiredness was absolutely overwhelming. To make matters worse, underpinning everything else was a constant, terrifying fear of losing Kate.

The brunette was making progress; the swelling around her brain had reduced, her broken limbs were healing, and most importantly, she was alive. She lived and breathed in the same world as Caroline, and since that afternoon in the hospital corridor, the blonde had promised herself that that alone would be enough.

However, progress was frustratingly slow, and although the doctors reassured Caroline every day that Kate was getting better, they still had not tried to wake her from the medically induced coma.

For the sake of her sanity, Caroline had to believe that one day that would happen.

In the meantime, she was determined to hold everything together. Even if it was only by her fingertips.

XXXXX

William had been her rock from the beginning. Not that Caroline had ever expected anything less of him. She had relied upon his solid and steadfast support since he had been tiny; much younger than a child should be when they find themselves in such a position of responsibility.

William had always been on her side, even before Kate came along - quietly watching her fights with John and picking up the pieces afterwards, caring for Lawrence while she focused on her career, and generally reassuring his mother when the fears that she simply wasn't capable of juggling everything bubbled to the surface.

Before Flora was even home, William had been searching for ways to ease the pressure on Caroline, determined not to let his mother down.

One evening, having left the hospital late and dropped Lawrence at his father's, Caroline found that she had a rare few minutes to pour herself a large glass of wine.

She took a seat on the sofa, opposite her eldest son, who sat cross legged on the floor, papers strewn across the coffee table and a perplexed look on his face.

Caroline watched him with concern, "What are you studying? Anything I can do to help?"

Her son turned red, "No, thanks mum," he mumbled, hurriedly clearing the books away.

"William?" Caroline frowned, putting a hand on the teenager's shoulder to stop him from shoving the books out of sight.

He sighed and met her gaze, running a hand through his mop of reddish hair.

His mother raised an eyebrow, "What's wrong?"

The boy glanced wordlessly down at the books in his arms and Caroline took one, noticing with confusion that alongside the pile of textbooks, William seemed to have a fair few maternity manuals.

"Have you been reading these?" she asked, obviously puzzled.

"Yeah, mum. Me and Ruby are having a baby," he replied seriously.

Caroline's heart jumped into her throat. She nearly dropped her wine.

William rolled his eyes at his mother's panicked expression, "I'm joking! I just thought I could learn some stuff to help you with Flora a bit."

He shrugged, "You know, lend a hand so that you can focus on Kate."

Caroline watched her son, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment, as she processed his words.

"So you are telling me," the blonde began slowly, "that alongside revising Keats, Shakespeare, and Henry James," she picked up a poetry book to illustrate her point, "that you've been learning the temperature of a baby's bathwater, how to sterilise a bottle, and how to recognise measles?"

William grinned sheepishly, "Something like that."

Caroline sent the pile of books clattering across the table as she leaned forward to pull the teenager into a tight hug. She felt ready to burst with pride and affection for her brilliant son.

"You are so wonderful, William," she mumbled against his cheek, "but you should be focusing on university. I don't want any of this getting in the way of your revision."

The blonde pulled back to look at her son, raising an eyebrow, "Besides, I have done all this before, if you remember? And so has your Gran, so I am sure that between us we will be fine."

She cupped his face in her hands, "You need to concentrate on your studies first and foremost, I don't want this to distract you," she finished in a watery voice.

It seemed that anything put her in danger of crying these days.

"Of course not," the boy reassured her as he pulled away, "but I want to be able to help once Flora gets home. Save you and Gran some work."

Caroline nodded, "Thank you. But I don't think she will be home for a while, the doctors are a bit concerned that she isn't settling properly and they want to watch her for a bit longer."

William nodded sagely, standing up to gather his books, "It's good that they want to be sure, but I think that because she was born so early, some trouble settling is probably normal."

Caroline laughed, "Yes, well thank you for your expert opinion, Doctor Elliot."

She beamed at her son as he bent down to kiss her goodnight, and William rolled his eyes good-naturedley at her amusement.

"You're welcome," he grinned as he began to walk towards the doorway, "Besides, I'm actually looking forward to having her here - she's bound to be better company than Lawrence."


	16. Chapter 16

Weeks had passed. Weeks where Caroline felt as though she was going fruitlessly round in circles; chasing doctors about Kate's minuscule improvements, chasing midwives about discharging Flora, chasing her boys to do their schoolwork, her ex-husband to keep out from under her feet, and last but not least, chasing the school to grant maternity leave for a child she hadn't been expecting.

The headmistress had always taken pride in her ability to get things done, but it seemed that at the moment she was fighting tooth and nail just to tread water.

XXXXX

Finally, as she bent over a plastic hospital crib and picked up the baby sleeping soundly inside, it hit Caroline that her family was about to take a long awaited leap forward.

She smiled fondly at Flora, wrapped up in her fuzzy pink blanket, her mop of dark curls hidden under the cap that Celia had knitted, because even four weeks after her arrival, Kate's daughter was too tiny for a newborn hat to fit her properly.

Caroline glanced up uncertainly at the midwife standing opposite, busily signing off their paperwork.

"You are sure she is ready to leave?" Caroline asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

The midwife was obviously of the same opinion, because she looked up from her papers with a slightly exasperated expression. Caroline realised she was probably suppressing an eye roll.

Reaching over, the nurse put an arm reassuringly on the small of Caroline's back and led her towards the door, "She is 100% ready, and she has had so many visitors that I am sure she will be very well looked after."

The woman tilted her head pointedly towards the doorway, where William, Celia, and Alan all stood expectantly.

Caroline smiled at them, "I'm just going to take Flora to say goodbye to Kate, and then we can go."

As she reached them, the blonde paused so that Celia could adjust the cap on Flora's head, before striding purposefully down the corridor she knew like the back of her hand.

Nerves bubbled in her stomach as she reached her destination and nudged the door open with her hip.

Inside she found Kate in much the same position as she had expected; wearing her hospital gown and propped up on crisp white pillows, her eyes closed as they always were nowadays.

Near enough to touch but still a million miles away.

The visible wounds, at least, were healing. The cuts and bruises had slowly faded, and while there was a mass of stitching around the brunette's temple, the bandaging had now been removed.

Without the breathing tube connecting her to a multitude of machines, Kate looked disconcertingly as though a gentle shake might wake her.

At her side sat Ginika, which was absolutely no surprise to Caroline; Kate's mother was rarely found anywhere else these days.

The corners of the blonde's mouth twitched upwards as she entered the room and saw the woman's tired face soften as it fell on her granddaughter.

Sinking into the nearest cheap plastic chair, Caroline held the sleeping baby upright as though Kate could see her, "Look Flora, it's your mummy and Grandma."

Ginika smiled and stroked a tiny hand, "Hello, baby."

Caroline's eyes fell to Kate, "We've come to tell you some good news – we're going home today."

The headmistress forced a smile as she watched Kate's impassive features. They looked even softer and younger in sleep and the blonde felt her heart tug with longing.

"But I will bring Flora to visit you every single day. I promise."

From the seat next to her Ginika nodded and squeezed her daughter's hand, "And I am still going to be here until you wake up, so you won't be on your own."

Leaning forward Caroline placed the baby gently in the crook of Kate's arm, one hand still reaching out to support them. Her chest ached to see them sleeping side by side, Flora a perfect tiny version of her wonderful mother.

For a few seconds Caroline and Ginika just watched them, thinking exactly the same thing; Flora had pulled through, against all odds, and that was nothing short of a miracle. But taking her home felt bittersweet; the child that Kate had longed for was being discharged from hospital and leaving her mother behind. It felt so wrong to separate them.

With a sigh Caroline gently lifted Flora and tucked her back into her own arms, carefully readjusting her blankets in readiness for the outside world.

The blonde was stalling and she knew it. Suddenly she was not quite ready to break up this strange little family.

Ginika appeared to see through the rouse, and before Caroline realised what was happening, the older woman had reached out to place an affectionate hand on her shoulder.

Caroline thought the supportive gesture might be the most surprising thing to happen to her since the Head Girl had kissed her at the 1978 school disco.

It was not that Ginika hated her exactly; but the headmistress was fairly certain Kate's mother disapproved of her, believing that her daughter could do infinitely better than some power-crazed control freak with the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Something that Caroline agreed with wholeheartedly.

She covered Ginika's hand with her own and briefly squeezed it in thanks, before passing the older woman her granddaughter and ducking forward to place a kiss on Kate's cheek, "The doctor says you are doing amazingly. I am so proud of you. We'll be back tomorrow."

_I love you._

The blonde pushed the traitorous thought away.

"Flora loves you."

XXXXX

The first thing Caroline did when she arrived home was to place Flora, still snuggled in her car seat, on the floor in the middle of the living room.

The addition of this minuscule child in a teeny white baby-grow somehow made the already large house seem absolutely massive.

For a few seconds everyone just watched her sleep; a bundle of beautiful chocolatey skin and dark curls.

But before long the spell was broken and Flora's tiny nose wrinkled up in outrage at no longer being carried. Celia immediately rushed over to prevent the imminent crying and cooed happily down at her.

Caroline shook her head at just how contrary her mother could be, before seizing the brief moment of peace to start unpacking the hospital bags.

She glanced over to where her youngest son was sprawled out across the sofa, slightly wary as to how he would react to the situation.

Apparently, the events were interesting enough that Lawrence had deigned to lift his eyes from his phone, and the teenager was watching as his new sister stared seriously up at his grandmother.

"She doesn't do much, does she?" he volunteered with the same level of enthusiasm he usually showed his chemistry homework.

Celia beamed, eyes still fixed on Flora's face, "Well, babies don't, love. But they are adorable," she stroked a tiny cheek, "Aren't you?"

Lawrence shrugged and returned to his phone, "So, bit boring then..."

Caroline sighed and shook out the baby-grow she was holding with a little more force than was necessary, "Well, she's four weeks old Lawrence, give her a chance."

XXXXX

It didn't take Caroline long to realise that her son couldn't have been more wrong in his assessment. Because for a baby that couldn't even lift her own head, Flora had quite the impact on the headmistress' ultra-organised life.

Caroline had spent years transforming her home from something resembling a bomb site, with crayon on the walls and socks stuffed down the sofa, into a tasteful Georgian townhouse that just happened to house a couple of teenagers.

And yet somehow, practically overnight, piles of washing covered every chair, sterilising bottles covered every work surface, and sick covered every one of Caroline's shirts.

The blonde wandered around bleary eyed, genuinely wondering whether she had been thrown back 15 years.


	17. Chapter 17

Caroline's phone rang just as she was leaning over the kitchen sink to wash the remains of a particularly brutal projectile vomit out of her hair.

The screen lit up cheerfully as it vibrated on the countertop and the blonde swore under her breath.

The noise also seemed to interest Flora, who watched eagerly from her position in the middle of the island counter, where she was propped up in her bouncer and looking much happier for having just rid herself of a lovingly prepared lunch.

Caroline wrung out her soaked locks with one hand and grabbed the phone with the other, her irritation evaporating at the huge gummy grin and tiny outstretched hands that greeted her as she approached.

The headmistress narrowed her eyes, "It's a good thing you're cute," she said, stroking the baby's head before hitting the answer button.

"Hello?" she asked as she rummaged for a tea-towel to dry hair.

"Ms Elliott, it's Louise calling from Calderdale Hospital."

Caroline froze, her stomach plummeting as a fear she normally managed to lock away reared up and hit her straight between the eyes.

_She's just too sick to get better._

Immediately flinching back from the thought, Caroline forced herself to concentrate on what the nurse was saying.

And even then the blonde had to ask her to repeat herself as she stood, eyes wide in disbelief and a small pool of water accumulating around her.

"Ms McKenzie has regained consciousness."

The phone slid from Caroline's grasp and for a split second the blonde just stood there, an empty hand held to her ear.

The sound of it clattering away across the tiles snapped Caroline out of her reverie, her brain finally registered the words.

Ignoring the confused nurse still chattering into a cracked handset, Caroline sprang into action, grabbing her keys and sprinting from the room.

"_Mum?!_" she yelled at the top of her voice, wrenching the front door open and simultaneously hitting unlock on her BMW.

Celia stuck her head out of the living room, "Caroline? What on Earth is the matter?!"

Her daughter waved a hand vaguely in Flora's direction, "Watch the baby for me, I have to go and see Kate," she replied, slamming the door behind her.

The older woman rolled her eyes, "Oh, charming!"

XXXXX

Caroline drove like a mad woman to the hospital, screeching to a halt in front of the doors and practically abandoning her car at the entrance.

She barely registered the people telling her to slow down as she ran up three flights of stairs and along a warren of corridors she had long ago learned by heart. It was only when she practically collided with a hospital matron that she stopped for breath.

"Sorry!" she panted, helping the sour faced woman to steady herself.

"Ms Elliott, you do realise that this is a hospital? You can't just run around like a headless chicken and knock the staff flying."

"I'm sorry," Caroline repeated, her sincerity somewhat lessened by the fact that she was still craning to see past the woman blocking her path.

The nurse pursed her lips, "And it would also help if you ended your phone calls rather than leaving me prattling on."

Caroline's eyes snapped back to the matron and she noticed the trace of a tiny smile at the corners of her mouth, "I thought you must have fainted."

The blonde finally looked sheepish, "Sorry, but I had to get here. Is Kate awake? Can I see her?"

The nurse relented, stepping aside to let her through, "You can see her, but she's very tired and weak, so please take things slowly and don't expect too much."

Noticing the worry etched across Caroline's face the woman's expression softened, "Go on in, she's been asking for you."

XXXXX

Caroline felt weighed down by the enormity of the moment as she stepped into Kate's room. It was eerily quiet; the heart monitor no longer beeping and the ventilator no longer measuring even puffs of oxygen into her lungs.

Instead, the lovely brunette was sleeping serenely. For a split second Caroline was reminded of a princess from one of Flora's nursery rhymes.

She immediately pushed away the ridiculous thought and walked into the room. When she reached the bed Caroline perched on the edge of a chair and wondered whether she should say anything.

"Hello Caroline," whispered a small voice from her left, taking the decision out of her hands.

The blonde jumped slightly, eyes flicking to Kate, who looked to all intents and purposes to be asleep.

A relived smile broke across Caroline's face and she felt tears begin to trickle silently down her cheeks, "How did you know it was me?"

Kate cracked open an eye and glanced at her, "I can always tell when it's you," she replied simply.

Caroline laughed and wiped at her tears with her hand, "I've been so worried about you, Kate. The stress of it has put about 50 years on me!"

The younger woman turned her head a fraction and opened the other eye to properly assess the sight before her.

She quickly dismissed the traitorous thought that despite being thinner and paler, with darker circles under her eyes, the blonde still looked perfect.

"You do look like you've been through it," she agreed quietly, "and that's coming from someone just out of a coma."

Kate have a tiny smile at her joke but Caroline just frowned and took her hand, "How are you feeling?"

The brunette blinked slowly as she considered the question, "My head hurts," she finally murmured, closing her eyes before continuing, "I'm tired…but the doctor said that's normal. Apparently I'm doing well," she finished, words trailing off as she fought sleep.

Relief swept through Caroline, "That's wonderful, Kate," she smiled, gently brushing hair away from the brunette's face.

And then, before she knew what she was doing, Caroline found herself leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss against Kate's forehead.

"God, I've missed you," she whispered, not caring about the consequences; needing Kate to know how much she was loved.

But the brunette slowly turned away at the words, tears prickling behind closed eyes. Everything hurt – emotionally and physically – and Kate knew that the one person who could fix it had to remain at arm's length.

Nothing had changed. Caroline had still hurt her too badly; still let her down too many times; still rejected her daughter.

Suddenly Kate's eyes snapped open and she tried to pull herself upright.

"The baby – the doctor said she was ok. Where is she?"

Caroline quickly placed her hands on the brunette's shoulders, terrified that she might do herself real damage.

"Kate, calm down," she soothed, pushing her gently back onto the pillows, "Flora's fine, she's at home with my mother."

The headmistress gently rearranged the bedding that Kate had scrunched up in her attempt to sit.

"Flora?" Kate murmured, a small frown marring perfect skin.

Nerves jumped into Caroline's throat, "Yes, it that not ok? You said it was the name you liked and it just seemed to fit her as soon as I saw her. I know it isn't really my place, but it seemed wrong not to give her a name –"

Kate gently raised a hand to stop Caroline's rambling. Her eyes remained closed, but she gave a small smile, "Flora," she murmured, trying it out, "It's lovely."

The blonde smiled, sitting back down and taking Kate's hand, "She's lovely."

They sat in silence while Caroline wondered how to ask one of the many questions that had been keeping her awake at night.

"Kate?" she finally said, ignoring the slight tremble in her voice.

The younger woman turned slowly towards her, opening her eyes and carefully watching Caroline, who was nervously biting her lip, worry etched across her face.

"I know I fucked up," the blonde began, her gaze falling to their linked hands, "and that I hurt you. Again."

She squeezed Kate's palm before withdrawing her hand and clasping both arms defensively around her waist, "I will regret saying what I did for the rest of my life."

She met Kate's gaze, ignoring the familiar jolt of longing as she met warm brown eyes, "But, I have been so petrified, for weeks."

New tears began to track their way down Caroline's face, but the blonde continued, oblivious, "Now that I know you're okay I can finally think about the future."

She took a deep breath, trying to steady her shaking voice, "I would do absolutely anything to spend the rest of my life with you, Kate. But I know that I hurt you, and if you can't forgive me I can live with that, because now I know that you will be around to live happily with Flora, I can live with anything."

Kate's heart simultaneously soared and broke at Caroline's words. The blonde was letting her go, and Kate was relieved and yet at the same time devastated, because she was still inexplicably drawn to Caroline - she always would be.

_She will always be magnificent._

_But it doesn't mean that I can forgive her. _

Caroline read Kate's thoughts from her serious expression and nodded her understanding.

_It was over. She had finally stepped over the line and done something so stupid that even someone as wonderful as Kate could not forgive it._

Although the blonde had already known that deep down, the final confirmation was brutally painful. There was just one question left to ask and Caroline was absolutely dreading the answer. She took a deep breath.

Sensing that the blonde wanted to say more, Kate raised her eyebrows in a silent question.

The headmistress clasped her hands together, "It's Flora," she began, "Whether we get back together…or more likely not," she paused, forcing her heart not to break all over again.

She cleared her throat, "Whether we get back together, or not," the blonde repeated, "I can't bear to lose her, Kate. I've been helping your mother to raise her for weeks and it would devastate me not to see her anymore."

The brunette lay completely still, she looked exhausted and her tired eyes were so serious that Caroline's heart hammered in her chest.

_I can't lose you both!_

An edge of desperation found its way into her voice, "We all love her; mum, Alan, William, even Lawrence!" she pressed on.

"And me. I adore her, she's perfect."

Caroline took a small breath, "She's you," she finished quietly.

Feeling completely drained, Caroline wiped her eyes as helpless tears began to fall again, "Whatever happens between us, Kate, please, please, don't keep her from me."

Kate closed her eyes, awash with tiredness, head pounding. Through all the hurt, she gave an almost imperceptible nod.

"If you love her Caroline, then she already belongs to us both."


End file.
